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Thread ID: 103375	2009-09-20 22:23:00	Monday Laughs................For your delectation...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
812242	2009-09-20 22:23:00	Itchy & Scratchy A female dwarf goes to a Doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area . The Doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk, lifts up her skirt and puts his head under . A little perplexed, she hears . . . . snip . . . . snip . . . . snip . . . . . snip . The Doctor emerges from under her skirt . "There - how's that?" the doctor asks . "Well, it's a lot better actually, but . . . . . it's still there . " Undaunted, the Doctor dives back underneath her skirt . Snip . . . . snip . . . . . . snip . . . . . . snip, then out the Doctor comes . "How's that?" The Doctor asks again more confident . "That's wonderful! What did you do?" She replies . "I trimmed the tops of your Ugg boots . " ********************************* DR DAVE Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long . No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't . The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming, but every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it . You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last . And you're single . Just let it go . " But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality . Whispering . . . . . But Dave . . . . Dave . . . . DAVE . . . . . . . . You're a Vet . ********************************* The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History . Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said . "Very good!" said the teacher . "Now, who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" . The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do . " She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians . " "Who said that?" she demanded . Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862 . " At that point a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke . " The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991 . " Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shlt!! If you say anything else, I'll kill you . " Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004 . " The teacher fainted . And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,"Oh ****, We're screwed!" Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 7, 2000" ********************************* The United Way Charity realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office . The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity . Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?' The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that . ' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?' The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again . Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea . ' And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you? ********************************* Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Beater In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p . m . on Friday night: On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) Courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication . The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview . Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need . In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car . 'I guess I was, you know, really into it' he commented with evident embarrassment . He was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him . 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor . 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin . ' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . . . 'I said, Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said . . . ' 'A pumpkin? Shlt . . . . is it midnight already?' This has been attributed to the Washington Post . . . Supposedly the title of the article was 'Best Come-Back Line Ever . ' Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth:	Billy T (70)
812243	2009-09-21 05:07:00	Awesome thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
812244	2009-09-21 05:56:00	Love that last one	gary67 (56)
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