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Thread ID: 103727	2009-10-04 09:02:00	Monday Laughs................Billy's Miscellany	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
816816	2009-10-04 09:02:00	Therapists vs Barmen Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Therapist and told him. 'I've got problems' I said, 'every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy..' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the Therapist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty Dollars per visit,' replied the Therapist. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the Therapist met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barman cured me for $10 and I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car!' 'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!! Screw those Therapists... Go have a drink and talk to a Barman! ********************************* Drafting Guys over 60----This is obviously written by a Former Soldier- New direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the Military and I think they've got the whole thing arse-about-face. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some arshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way... Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. And how about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night! ********************************* A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral." ********************************* 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? If you do, raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?" 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. ********************************* The Vicar's Chickens, or why you should think before you speak ... The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up! "No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. ********************************* TheTaxman and the Rabbi..... At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles" "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of holy biscuits." "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
816817	2009-10-04 17:47:00	:D:D	gary67 (56)
816818	2009-10-04 20:14:00	Thanks to you Billy. Mondays are better for me these days. Keep up the good work.	Sweep (90)
816819	2009-10-04 20:24:00	Good jokes Billy T :lol:	convair (13650)
816820	2009-10-04 22:31:00	Morning Sex She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft- boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in . As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" * My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then I gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table . Afterwards she said, "Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck . * Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women were playing golf . One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole . The ball hit one of the men . He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony . The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize . 'Please allow me to help . I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him . 'Oh, no, I'll be all right . I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied . He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin . At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help . She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside . She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain . Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight . So sit back,relax and . . . . . OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom . 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap . You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the back of mine! ' --------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IS GENERATION Y? Hmm, I've always wondered about this to myself . . . now I know . - People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation . . - The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959 . - Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979 . - Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009 Why do we call the last group Generation Y? I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below . . . Generation Y ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/geny . png" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz)	wainuitech (129)
816821	2009-10-04 22:33:00	:banana:lol: good jokes wainui!	convair (13650)
816822	2009-10-04 22:37:00	:banana:lol: good jokes wainui! x2, that first one is great! :p	wratterus (105)
816823	2009-10-04 22:42:00	That 3rd one down is good	convair (13650)
816824	2009-10-04 23:11:00	I liked Billy's list of 24 things And Wainui's airplane joke	Digby (677)
816825	2009-10-04 23:30:00	Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted . The end -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life summarized in . . . . 4 Bottles ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/Bottles . png" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) Crap, I'm already on the 3rd one!:( -------------------------------------------------------------------------- REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER . . . This Is the One She was talking about ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/Candy . png" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) :eek:	wainuitech (129)
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