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Thread ID: 103947	2009-10-11 21:45:00	Monday Laughs.....Warning: Prude Redevelopment Area.....Content Will Offend..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
819390	2009-10-11 21:45:00	The Barber A guy stuck his head into a Barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours . " The guy left . A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours . " The guy left . A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half . " The guy left . The barber turned to his friend and asked him to do a favour . "Follow that guy and see where he goes . He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back . " A little while later, the friend returns to the shop laughing hysterically . The barber asked, " So where does the guy go when he leaves?" The friend looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, and said, "Your house . " ********************************* A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling . The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave . The man asks, "Rabbi, we realise it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world . " "Absolutely not," says the rabbi . "It's immodest . Men and women always dance separately . " "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi . "It's forbidden . " "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi . "Sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man "No problem," says the rabbi . "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks . "Sure," says the rabbi . "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed . It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No . " says the rabbi . " "Why not?" asks the man . "Could lead to dancing . " ********************************* A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot . The sign on the cage said $50 . 'Why so cheap?' she asked the pet store owner . The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you straight off that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff . ' The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway . She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something . The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new Madam . ' The woman was a bit shocked at the implications, but then thought 'That's really not so bad . ' When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new Madam, new girls . ' The girls and the woman were offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised . Later that evening the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work . The bird looked at him and said, 'New house, new Madam, new girls, same customers . Hello Keith . ' ********************************* A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City . It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings . "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied . The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money . " The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers yes . After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become cab drivers," she said . ********************************* A Hooker in Las Vegas A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye . He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job . " The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes . . " "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes . " "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes . " "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all three of them, and I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500 . " So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once . I'll give it a try . " They retire to a nearby motel . A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500 . He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500 . " "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy . Do you see that Casino just across the street? I own that Casino outright . And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500 . " The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up . " Ten minutes later, he is laying flat on the bed more amazed than before . He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth . He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience . He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something . Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and shows? "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" No," the hooker replies, "but I would . . . if I had a pussy . " ********************************* Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill Cadbury's and Merck Drug Co . have combined to market a new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex . The Pill will be distributed by the large major pharmacy chains and Warehouse Pharmacies . They're going to be called . . . . (Scroll Down) 'Pre-Dick-A-Mints!' ********************************* And ending on an ecclesiastical note . . . . . . . . There were two nuns . . One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) . They have been out walking, it is getting dark, and they are still far away from the Convent . SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants . SL: It's logical . He wants to rape us . SM: Oh, no! And at this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course, is to walk faster . SM: It's not working . SL: Of course it's not working . The man did the only logical thing . He started to walk faster, too . SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute . SL: The only logical thing we can do is split . You go that way and I'll go this way . He cannot follow us both . So the man decided to follow Sister Logical . Sister Mathematical arrives at the Convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical . Then Sister Logical arrives . SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened . The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened . I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could . SM: And? SL : The only logical thing happened . He caught up with me . SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do . I lifted up my habit SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do . He pulled down his pants . SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down . And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys! Cheers Billy 8-{) :rolleyes:	Billy T (70)
819391	2009-10-12 07:49:00	Good set of jokes Billy T. :banana	convair (13650)
819392	2009-10-12 20:15:00	Scenario : Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack . 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns . 2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again . Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers . Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school . 1957 - Crowd gathers . Mark wins . Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies . 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark . Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it . Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students . 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal . Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again . 2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin . Becomes a zombie . Tested for ADD . School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt . 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman . . 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse . Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang . State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison . Billy's mom has affair with psychologist . Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school . 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with . 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations . Car searched for drugs and weapons . Scenario : Pedro fails high school English . 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college . 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state . Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist . AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher . . English banned from core curriculum . Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English . Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest . 1957 - Ants die . 2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called . Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again . Scenario : Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him . 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing . 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job . She faces 3 years in Prison . Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .	Cicero (40)
819393	2009-10-16 05:50:00	THE BROTHEL The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties . "May I help you sir?" she asked . "I want to see Valerie," the man replied . "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies . Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam . "No, I must see Valerie," he replied . Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit . Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs . After an hour, the man calmly left . . . The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie . . . Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive . There were no discounts . The price was still £5000 . Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs . After an hour, he left . The following night the man was there yet again . Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs . After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row . Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh . "Really", she said . "I have family in Edinburgh . . " "I know . " the man said . "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor . I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person . " The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain . 1 . Death 2 . Taxes 3 . Being screwed by a lawyer	Cicero (40)
819394	2009-10-16 06:17:00	It might be the jim beam talking, but **** me that's funny!	ubergeek85 (131)
819395	2009-10-16 07:24:00	No Geekster, the Beck's finds it funny too...	johcar (6283)
819396	2009-10-16 07:39:00	beck?	ubergeek85 (131)
819397	2009-10-16 07:47:00	Yep	johcar (6283)
819398	2009-10-16 07:50:00	How about this? netweb.files.wordpress.com	convair (13650)
819399	2009-10-16 07:51:00	The only real difficulty with Becks is distinguishing between the new stuff and the used stuff. Sort of offshore Waikato. An acquired taste perhaps? ;)	R2x1 (4628)
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