Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 104157	2009-10-18 20:10:00	Monday Laughs...............I feel a religious moment coming on..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
821834	2009-10-18 20:10:00	Ninety-eight and no enemies- All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady! Toward the end of his Sunday service the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' Around 80% of his congregation held up their hands . The Minister then repeated his question and all responded this time, except one small elderly lady . 'Mrs . Neely?' he asked; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? 'I don't have any . ' She replied, smiling sweetly . 'My goodness Mrs . Neely, that is very unusual . How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight, 'she replied . The congregation stood up and clapped their hands . 'Oh, Mrs . Neely' the Minister said, 'would you mind very much coming down in front here and telling us all how a person can live ninety-eight years yet not have an enemy in the world? ' The little sweetheart tottered down the aisle, turned to face the congregation, and said: 'I outlived every damned one of the pricks . ' ********************************* Smith climbs to the top of Mt . Sinai to get close enough to talk to God . Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute . " Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny . " Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute . " ********************************* THE IRISH PRIEST An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . . Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning . It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish . He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside . He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn . He promptly called the local police station . . . . . . The conversation went like this: "Good morning . This is Sergeant Jones . How might I help you?" "And the best of the day ter yerself . This is bein' Father O'Malley at St . Ann's Catholic Church, an' there's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn . " Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin . " ********************************* Subject: GOD'S WORK Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days . Eventually, on the seventh day, Michael the Arch-Angel found him resting . He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made . " said God . Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it . I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance" . "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused . God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth . "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot . Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries . "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice . " The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a smaller land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God . "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth . There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills . The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world . They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace . " Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "but what about balance, God? you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Ah, yes Michael, but wait until you see the tossers I'm putting next to them . I call them Australians!!!" ********************************* And finally, politically incorrect, but . . . . . . . . A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven . He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St . Peter opens them . "Yes?", asks St . Peter . "I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani . St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
821835	2009-10-18 21:12:00	Great Stuff Billy T.	tut (12033)
821836	2009-10-19 00:24:00	Great Stuff Billy T. Good jokes there Billy T:banana	convair (13650)
821837	2009-10-19 04:00:00	Good as usual Billy	gary67 (56)
821838	2009-10-19 04:42:00	Always welcomed - thanks Billy!	johcar (6283)
821839	2009-10-19 09:10:00	Loved the last one! :p	beeswax34 (63)
821840	2009-10-19 09:57:00	Starting to feel embarrassed that no-one else is contributing! ;) Paddy was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Paddy gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Paddy goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" ****** And an oldie, but a goodie: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". And finally... 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.	johcar (6283)
821841	2009-10-19 17:48:00	The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs . Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?' No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!' Mrs . Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' Little Mary's mouth fell open . Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!' The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?' Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye . ' Mrs . Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued . . . 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind . Two, you didn't read your homework . And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed . '	Cicero (40)
821842	2009-10-19 23:15:00	Two priests and two children in a plane about to crash Only two parachutes each of which can support one adult or two children 1st priest - What are we gouing to do 2nd priest grabbing a parachute - Bugger the children 1st priest - Have we got time	Dally (6292)
821843	2009-10-20 00:11:00	It works a lot better if you say **** the children.	roddy_boy (4115)
1 2