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Thread ID: 104378	2009-10-25 20:33:00	Monday Laughs................Of love, lust and marriage	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
824160	2009-10-25 20:33:00	Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began? Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep, so he went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night . The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn . As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the father . "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn . " The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry . " So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned . Her clothing dishevelled, straw in her hair, a smile on her face, she went straight up to bed . The farmer's wife was very observant . She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty . So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour . Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly . She also headed straight to bed . The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left . When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears . "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried . "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain . The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out . . . . . "ILAIDYOUROLADEETOO! " ********************************* This is why she Had to Change Hotels Last Week . . . . . . . . Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely . I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages . " I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo . He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt . . . . you get the picture . I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call . "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one . No, wait, I should be straight with you . I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex . I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now . Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks . We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby . Now how does that sound?" He says, "Oh my God . . . that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line . " ********************************* The Ambidextrous Golfer A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf . One transferred to another city . It wasn't the same without him . . A new woman lawyer joined their law firm . She overheard the guys talking about their golf round . She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other . Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot . Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am . He figured the early tee-time would discourage her . The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late . They rolled their eyes, but said okay . She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 . " She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round . She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed . Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week . She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 . " The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp . Only this time, she played left-handed . The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand . They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed . They couldn't figure her out . She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game . The third week, the guys had their game faces on . But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable . This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them . The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part . However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge . Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads . This woman was a riddle no one could figure out . They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed, and grinned . . . "That's easy," she said . "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous . I like to switch back and forth . When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude . From then on, I developed a silly habit . Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him . If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed . The guys on the team thought this was hysterical . Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late! ********************************* LET HIM DIG An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other . When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night . The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him . They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood . The old man liked the fact that he was feared . Then one day, to everyone's relief, when he was 98 he died of a heart attack . His wife had a closed casket at the wake and after the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow . . Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig . I had him buried upside down . . . . . . ' Bloody women they think of everything!!!! ********************************* The Cruise: A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday . He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank and he found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts . After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore . In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island . I landed here when my cruise ship sank . ' 'Amazing,' he says . 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you . ' 'Oh, this thing?' says the woman . 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island . The oars were whittled from gum tree branches . I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree . ' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman . 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed . I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron . I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware . The guy is stunned . 'Let's row over to my place,' she says . After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf . . . As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat . Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white . While the woman ties up the row-boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck . As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home . Sit down, please . Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed . 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice . ' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman . 'I have a still . How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk . After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable . Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor n the bathroom cabinet . ' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom . There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone . . . Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism . 'This woman is amazing,' he muses . 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias . ] She beckons for him to sit down next to her . 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months . You've been lonely . There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes as he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes . . . 'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?' ********************************* An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australians weren't romantic?) Of course I love ya Darling You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There is somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now That the moment that we met I thought u was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter wot you look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
824161	2009-10-25 20:45:00	Thanks Billy!	somebody (208)
824162	2009-10-25 22:25:00	I've always thought yodelling was hilarious. Now doubly so. Cheers!	seltsam (13470)
824163	2009-10-25 22:26:00	I loved the lawyer one	gary67 (56)
824164	2009-10-26 19:22:00	The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that’s done, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” His wife replied: “The fecking funeral director would be my guess.”	Morgenmuffel (187)
824165	2009-10-26 20:35:00	A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners . At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door . Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door . When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned . Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10 . . ' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter . Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock . ' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked . '	Whenu (9358)
824166	2009-10-28 20:01:00	Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist:A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.	Cicero (40)
824167	2009-10-28 20:15:00	Committee: a life form with six or more legs and no brain.	user (1404)
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