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Thread ID: 104580	2009-11-01 20:26:00	Monday Laughs............Seven-zip at Rugby, let's celebrate Aussie manhood instead..	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
826201	2009-11-01 20:26:00	Aussie Work-Safe Poetry The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock, The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock . He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams . He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank, And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank . "Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense, "They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence . " The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt, She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out . But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free, And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree . He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down And if he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown . Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim, So he saw no other option, he would have to take a swim . He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks, And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks . He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam, But he caught up with her, near the middle of the dam . The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip . At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath, But she showed him little gratitude, for saving her from death . She took off like a Bondi tram, around the other side, He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide . Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed . The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day . He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away He didn't really think he'd get, fresh scones for morning tea But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see . He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe . And on her heels, in hot pursuit, and wearing not a stitch, The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy *****!" The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car, And the cocky's reputation's since been damaged near and far . So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks Spot the hazard, assess risk, and always wear your jocks! ********************************* Aussie Fart Poetry A fart is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease; It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas . A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud; Some farts leave a nasty, and evil-smelling cloud . A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long; Some farts have been noted To sound like a song . A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent, and deadly . One might not smell, While others are vile; A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while . . . . . . A fart can occur In a number of places And leave everyone there With strange looks on their faces . From wide-open prairie, To small elevator, A fart will find all of us Sooner or later . That farts are all bad, Is simply not true - We must never forget Sweet old farts like you! Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right? ********************************* Aussie Viagra Substitute An Aussie Cattle Rancher needs a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the breeding fee from the Bank . The Banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing . The Rancher complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows . The Banker tells the Rancher that he knows a great Veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull . The next week the Banker returns to see if the Vet helped . The Rancher looks very pleased and tells the Banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows . " "Wow," says the Banker . "What did the Vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replies the Rancher . "What kind of pills?" asks the Banker . "I don't know," says the smiling Rancher, "but they sort of taste like peppermint . " ********************************* Aussie Nationalism 'WOMEN WALKING NAKED IN AUSTRALIA' DAY IS COMING Don't forget to mark your calendars . As you may already know, it is considered by some to be a sin for male of a certain eastern religions to see any woman naked other than his wife, and he must commit suicide if he does . Only the most fanatical of adherents will do this of course, so next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Standard Time, Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked and take to the streets to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists . This is not an attack on all persons with strong religious beliefs, just the fanatics, so it is not aimed at Yoseph, your next-door-neighbour who has been watching your wife Charlene sunbathing nude in your backyard for years and has never once complained . Nor has he ever asked that she draw the bedroom curtains before undressing at night . Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort . All patriotic men are to position themselves in deck-chairs in front of their house to demonstrate that they are not fanatical believers, to publicly affirm that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all Australian women . Since some eastern religions do not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment . The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this uniquely Australian anti-terrorist activity . It is your patriotic duty to pass this on . If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathising, lily-livered coward and will be classified as a threat to national security . God Bless Australia! PS All women over 35 are excused because of their heightened risk of skin cancer . Hey guys . . . . . . . this is serious!!! ********************************* Australia, the lucky country An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him . The waitress asks them for their orders . The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu . A short time later the waitress returns with the order . 'That will be $9 . 40 please,' she says, and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment . The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke . ' The emu says, 'I'll have the same . ' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change . This becomes routine until the two enter again . 'The usual?' asks the waitress . 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man . 'Same,' says the emu . Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32 . 62 . ' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table . The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer . 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp . When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes . My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there . ' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress . 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right . Whether it's a bottle of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man . The waitress asks, 'So what's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say . ' ********************************* Australia . . . the sporting man's country Three rugby fanatics - a Springbok fan, an All Black fan and a Wallabies fan were all walking home after watching the All Black-Wallabies game on the big screen at their local pub . They came around a corner and found a dead woman lying naked on the pavement, so they phoned the police . While waiting for the Police to arrive, the All Black fan couldn't bear to see the poor woman lying on the ground in such an undignified manner, so he took off his All Black cap and placed it over the woman's left breast . Similarly affected, the Springbok fan removed his Springbok cap and placed it over the woman's right breast . The Wallabies fan felt he should do something similar, so he took off his cap too and placed it over her groin area . They then waited for the police to arrived as they expected they'd be questioned by them . They watched the Senior officer inspect the scene of the crime . He picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes . He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes . Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area . The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes . He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes . Then he picked it up a third time, which annoyed the hell out of the All Black fan, to the point where he went up to the officer . "What are you?" he asked the Officer, "some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" The officer replied "Well, it's just a little weird - normally you'd expect to see a prlck under an Australian cap!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
826202	2009-11-01 21:10:00	Great ones Billy! :thumbs: I thought the first one was hilarious, maybe those from a non-farming background won't really find it as funny... :D	wratterus (105)
826203	2009-11-01 22:00:00	Good jokes Billy T:banana	convair (13650)
826204	2009-11-01 22:06:00	Great ones Billy! :thumbs: I thought the first one was hilarious, maybe those from a non-farming background won't really find it as funny... :D Whereas those with Aussie friends who have constantly had the old "sheep shagger Kiwis" put on them, will find it great that the boot is on the other foot - or should that be "the ewe" is on the other side of the Tasman for a change!! Ken :clap:clap	kenj (9738)
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