Forum Home
PC World Chat
 
Thread ID: 104790 2009-11-08 21:08:00 Monday Laughs................Husbands and Wives........... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
828303 2009-11-08 21:08:00 A newly married man asked his wife, 'would you have still married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'

*********************************


WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the Mall . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly . Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse so I had to find ways to pass the time .

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the Mall Manager .

Dear Mrs . Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our stores . We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from entering this shopping mall . The complaints against your husband, Mr . Samuel, are listed below and are documented by store video surveillance cameras .

1 . June 15 in the Pharmacy: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's bags when they weren't looking .

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals .

3 . July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom .

4 . July 19: Walked up to an employee of Countdown and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in butchery . Get on it right away' . This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money .

5 . August 4: Went to the Countdown Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby .

6 . August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area .

7 . August 15 in the Warehouse: Set up a tent in the outdoor pursuits department and told shoppers' children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding shop next-door, to which twenty children obliged .

8 . August 23 at the Bakery: When an assistant asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency response teams were called .

9 . September 4: Looked right into the security camera in the common area and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose .

10 . September 10 in the hardware store: While handling knives, he asked the clerk where he could buy more anti-depressants .

11 . October 3: Darted around the Mall suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme .

12 . October 6 in the Warehouse: In the automotive department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels .

13 . October 18 in the Menswear store: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14 . October 21 in the main mall area: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he dropped to a foetal position on the floor and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15 . October 23: Went into a fitting room in womens wear, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here . ' One of the shop assistants passed out .


If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your taxes will go up, your share prices will go down, your bank balance will shrink, and your middle will spread . (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothing to lose!

*********************************


Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no . '

*********************************


Housework was a woman's job, but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set . . . She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex' .

The night went very well . The next day, she told her office friends all about it . 'We had a great dinner . Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen . He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away . I really enjoyed the evening . '

'But what about . . . . you know . . . . afterwards?' asked her friends .

'Oh, that! . . . . . . . . No, Ralph was too tired . '

*********************************


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan .

'What was that for?' the man asked .

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket . '

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . '

The wife apologised and went on with the housework .

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious .

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again .

Wife replied . 'Your horse phoned . '

*********************************


Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd sure like to ride in that helicopter . ' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars . '

One year Esther and Morris went to the Fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old . If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance . ' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars . '

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal . I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a cent! But, if you say one word it's fifty dollars . '

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went .

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard .

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word .

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't . I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
828304 2009-11-08 21:53:00 *********************************


Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no . '

*********************************





Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

that is so true :p :lol: 		GameJunkie (72)
828305 2009-11-09 00:06:00 :banana good selection Billy T. convair (13650)
828306 2009-11-09 00:47:00 Pretty lame this week tbh. roddy_boy (4115)
828307 2009-11-09 02:22:00 Housework was a woman's job, but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set... She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about....you know....afterwards?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that! ........ No, Ralph was too tired.'


:D 		pctek (84)
828308 2009-11-09 06:10:00 Pretty lame this week tbh.

dont see you posting any jokes... 		ronyville (10611)
828309 2009-11-09 06:48:00 Pretty lame this week tbh.
I thought they were pretty good actually.

Thanks Billy :D. 		Erayd (23)
828310 2009-11-09 07:19:00 Pretty lame this week tbh.

You don't have to read them you know, they are really intended for people with a good sense of humour so it's not compulsory. Personally I liked the helicopter joke best, so call me when you grow up Roddy and I'll explain it to you.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :rolleyes: 		Billy T (70)
828311 2009-11-09 07:25:00 Pretty lame this week tbh.

dont like dont comment :2cents: 		GameJunkie (72)
828312 2009-11-09 07:40:00 I thought they were as good as ever gary67 (56)
1 2 3 4 5