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Thread ID: 105192	2009-11-22 20:18:00	Monday Laughs.......Nit-Pickers Special: Some new, some recycled..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
832563	2009-11-22 20:18:00	The Story of Four Horses A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name . He replied, "She called Four Horse" . The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife . What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name . It mean, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!" ********************************* Tillie - Maude - Gertrude These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park . The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat . Gertrude immediately had a stroke . Then Maude also had a stroke . But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far . ********************************* OLD 'GEEZERS' ON THE ROAD While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch . After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip . When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes . By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance down the freeway before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses . All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man . He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive . The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became . He just wouldn't let up . To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant . As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her . 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!' ********************************* This is National Mental Health Care week . You can do your part by remembering to reach out and contact at least one unstable person to show you care . Well . . . . my job is done . Your turn! ********************************* A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast . They are both quite startled . The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me . ' She replies, 'If your rod is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221 . ' ********************************* One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm . The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh . ' The husband, rejected, turns over . A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again . 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ********************************* Bill worked in a pickle factory . He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion, he had an overpowering urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer . His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed . He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own . One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong . 'What's the matter, Bill?' she asked . 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed . 'Yes, I did . ' he replied . 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired . ' 'No, Bill . I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh . . . she got fired too . ' ********************************* Blood transfusions American Medical Association researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood . It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better . Just thought you'd like to know . . . Cheers Billy 8-{) :rolleyes:	Billy T (70)
832564	2009-11-22 20:47:00	Here's a laugh . . . . . . . . . Just a suggestion Mr English Dear Mr . . . English Please find below my suggestion for fixing NZ's economy . Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the Money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan . You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 1 million people over 50 in the work force . Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the Following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire . one million job openings - Unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new car . one million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/ PolyTech /university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week . . . . . and there's your Money back in duty/tax etc It can't get any easier than that! P . S If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home (living away from home) allowances . If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know . If not, please disregard . Yours sincerely, The Whole Country	Cicero (40)
832565	2009-11-22 20:57:00	Billy; as good as always, esp the last one :D cic; not a bad idea at all, i reckon people would listen to a referendum like that.......................... maybe not but nice try :p	GameJunkie (72)
832566	2009-11-22 21:02:00	We have a car industry?	shermo (12739)
832567	2009-11-22 21:06:00	Good selection of jokes Billy T:banana	convair (13650)
832568	2009-11-22 21:47:00	Here's a laugh . . . . . . . . . Just a suggestion Mr English There are about 1 million people over 50 in the work force . Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the Following stipulations: If Double Dipton could put his hands on $1,000,000,000,000 (1000 billion) he wouldn't have a problem in the first place :p	PaulD (232)
832569	2009-11-25 20:08:00	A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says: " Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says: "What for?" Glasgow cop says: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says: "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says: "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says: "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?" Misty :D	Misty (368)
832570	2009-12-02 00:53:00	So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!	Cicero (40)
832571	2009-12-02 00:58:00	Subject: Personal Ads For Seniors WOMEN'S ADS looking to attract a man * *50-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Adventurer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Slept with all your friends Athletic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No tits Average looking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pathological liar Contagious Smile . . . . . . . . . . . . Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure . . . . . . . . . Medicated Feminist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a Fat ball buster & doesn't shave her arm pits Free spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Junkie Friendship first . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Trying to live down reputation as a **** Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Annoying Gentle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Comatose Good Listener . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Borderline Autistic New-Age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned . . . . . . . . . . . . Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Desperate Outgoing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Loud and Embarrassing Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sloppy drunk Poet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Depressive Schizophrenic Professional . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Certified ***** Redhead . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bad dye-job Reubenesque . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Grossly Fat Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Looks better by candle light Social . . . . . . . . . . . Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Very Fat Weight proportion w/ height . . . . . Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide Wants Soul mate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stalker Widow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Old bat . * * * *MEN'S ADS looking to attract a woman ** 50-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking . . . . . . . Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Will patronize the **** out of you Free Spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Banging your sister Friendship first . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . As long as friendship involves nookie Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Arrogant Very good looking . . . . . . . . . . Dumb as a board Honest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pathological Liar Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Insecure mama's boy Mature . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Older than your father Open-minded . . . . . . . Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested Physically fit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gay Spiritual . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Got laid in a church once Stable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Says "Excuse me" when he farts*	Cicero (40)
832572	2009-12-02 08:55:00	wow, I love jokes, laugh everyday!	bestbattery09 (15455)
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