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| Thread ID: 105374 | 2009-11-29 23:34:00 | Monday Laughs................Pot-Pourri.......... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 834797 | 2009-11-29 23:34:00 | The 2009 Smart Comeback Awards . . . . In 6th Place . . . . . . . . . . It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row . 'What are my choices?' the man asked . 'Yes or no,' she replied . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5th Place . . . . . . . . . . A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets . As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her . Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub . ' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4th Place . . . . . . . . . . A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Foodtown but she couldn't find one big enough for her family . She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead . ' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3rd Place . . . . . . . . . . The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding . 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the Officer said . The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could . ' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2nd Place . . . . . . . . . . A truck driver was driving along on a country road . A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead . ' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it . Traffic is backed up for miles . Finally, a police motorcycle arrives . The policeman got off of his bike, walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam . 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow . I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'what would happen if I woke tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering . When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, you'd have to come in just the same, but write with your other hand' . ********************************* There was an Italian, A Scotsman and a Chinese guy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site . The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping . ' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling . ' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies . ' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while . 'I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand . ' So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched . He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom . You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere . ' Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile . ' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnae get meself a shoovel . Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnae fin' him neither . ' The foreman is really angry now . He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent . Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!' ********************************* Free to good home . Excellent guard dog . Good with family and kids . Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more vandals, glue-sniffers, drug pushers, rapists, thieves, murderers, or child molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat . Most of them knew him (briefly) as 'Holy Shlt . ' Come and pick him up now, we'll introduce you as friends . Cheers Billy 8-{) :) |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 834798 | 2009-11-29 23:42:00 | Nice Billy! Enjoyed the Chinese fellow greatly. :clap | Richard (739) | ||
| 834799 | 2009-11-30 00:33:00 | Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. |
pcuser42 (130) | ||
| 834800 | 2009-11-30 00:34:00 | A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist . The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window . He immediately told her to get undressed . After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh . While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities . ' 'That's right,' said the doctor . He then began to fondle her breasts . 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked . 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer . ' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor . Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her . He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis, which is why I came here in the first place . ' Ken |
kenj (9738) | ||
| 834801 | 2009-11-30 00:35:00 | Good stuff Billy. :banana | convair (13650) | ||
| 834802 | 2009-11-30 01:32:00 | I liked the dog joke . There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident . They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance . God says, "Alright, but don't step on a duck . The drunks reply, "Why ducks?" God repeats, "Just don't step on a duck . " The drunks agree and go back down to earth . A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck . Instantly, he's chained to the ugliest woman in the world . A month goes by and the second steps on a duck . The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world . He says, "God, what did I do for this?" The girl says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck . " |
pctek (84) | ||
| 834803 | 2009-11-30 01:56:00 | Dearest Redneck Son, I am writing this slow because I know you can not read fast . We do not live where we did when you left home . Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved . I won't be able to send you the address because the last Kinmount family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address . This place is really nice, it even has a washing machine . I'm not sure about it . . . I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain . We haven't seen them since . The weather isn't bad here, it only rained twice last week: the first time for three days and the second time for four days . About the coat you wanted me to send, your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets . Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday . We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out . Your Sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if your are an aunt or uncle . Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week . Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned . We had him cremated, he burned for three days . Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck . Butch was driving . He rolled down the window and swam to safety . Your other two friends were in the back . . . they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down . There isn't much more news at this time . Nothing much out of the normal has happened . Your Favorite Aunt, Mom -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two gay men decide to have a baby . They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated . When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital . . . One dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming . Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely . A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs . 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other . 'All these unhappy babies . . . and yet our baby is so happy . This just proves our love for one another . ' The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass . |
wainuitech (129) | ||
| 834804 | 2009-11-30 02:58:00 | wainuitech :lol: at the last one | --Wolf-- (128) | ||
| 834805 | 2009-11-30 03:18:00 | wainuitech :lol: at the last one x2, that's good. :clap |
wratterus (105) | ||
| 834806 | 2009-11-30 03:20:00 | Just what I needed, they're all awesome. Cheers guys | hueybot3000 (3646) | ||
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