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| Thread ID: 105979 | 2009-12-21 02:04:00 | Monday Laughs................Christmas Special.......... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 841655 | 2009-12-21 02:04:00 | IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December . Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring . Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl . We should've known . . . ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost . ********************************* Sound advice for the Office Christmas party: Wine does not make you FAT, it makes you LEAN . . . . . . . . . against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people! ********************************* It is near the Christmas break of the school year . The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do . All the children are restless so the teacher decides to have an early dismissal . Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today . " Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here . I'm smart and will answer the question . " Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln . " Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home . " Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first . Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King . " Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go . " Johnny is even madder than before . Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F . Kennedy . " Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave . " Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions . When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS . CAN I GO NOW?" ********************************* True Friendship, "Kiwi Style" None of that Sissy Crap Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship . You will see no cute little smiley faces on this message -- Just the stone-cold truth of a great friendship . 1 . . . When you are sad -- I will help you get smashed and plot revenge against the bastards who made you sad . 2 . . . When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you, by giving you copious amounts of alcohol . 3 . . . When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in . 4 . . . When you are scared -- I will tease you about it every chance I get until you're NOT . 5 . . . When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whinging . 6 . . . When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words, and speak very slowly . 7 . . . When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again . I don't want whatever you have . 8 . . . When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up as soon as I can get it together again . This is my oath . . . . I pledge it to the end . 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend . Friendship is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth . Forward this to ten of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two! ********************************* Once upon a time there lived a King who had a beautiful daughter, the Princess, but there was a problem . Everything the Princess touched would melt . No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt . Because of this, men were afraid of her . Nobody would dare marry her . The King despaired . What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians . One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured . ' The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition . Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth . THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE . The first brought a sword of the finest steel . But alas, when the Princess touched it, the blade melted, and the Prince went away sadly . The second Prince brought diamonds . He thought 'diamonds are the hardest substance in the world' and that they would not melt . But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted . He too was sent away disappointed . The third Prince approached . He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there . ' The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard . She held it in her hand . And it did not melt!!! The King was overjoyed . Everybody in the Kingdom was overjoyed, The third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after . Question: What was in the Prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer) M&M's of course . They melt in your mouth, not in your hand . What were you thinking?? ********************************* The Zen of Sarcasm 1 . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead . Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow . Do not walk beside me either . Just pretty much leave me alone . 2 . The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire . 3 . It's always darkest before dawn . So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it . 4 . Don't be irreplaceable . If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted . 5 . Always remember that you're unique . Just like everyone else . 6 . Never test the depth of the water with both feet . 7 . If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments . 8 . Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes . That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes . 9 . If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you . 10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 11 . If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment . 12 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything . 13 . Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield . 14 . Everyone seems normal until you get to know them . 15 . The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket . 16 . A closed mouth gathers no foot . 17 . Duct tape is like 'The Force' . It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together . 18 . There are two theories to arguing with women . Neither one works . 19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving . 20 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it . 21 . Never miss a good chance to shut up . AND 22 . . . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night . Cheers Billy 8-{) :D :D Best wishes to all for Christmas and the coming year . |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 841656 | 2009-12-21 02:57:00 | Merry Xmas & thanks Billy:thanks | Arnie (6624) | ||
| 841657 | 2009-12-21 03:23:00 | 1 . . . When you are sad -- I will help you get smashed and plot revenge against the bastards who made you sad . 2 . . . When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you, by giving you copious amounts of alcohol . 3 . . . When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in . 4 . . . When you are scared -- I will tease you about it every chance I get until you're NOT . 5 . . . When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whinging . 6 . . . When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words, and speak very slowly . 7 . . . When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again . I don't want whatever you have . 8 . . . When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up as soon as I can get it together again . This is my oath . . . . I pledge it to the end . 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend . Friendship is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth . Forward this to ten of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two! [/B][/I] You forgot the ending which goes: Remember: A good friend will help you move . A really good friend will help you move a body . So let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel . |
pctek (84) | ||
| 841658 | 2009-12-21 17:35:00 | I heard the other day that a new type of Viagra had been developed. It is in a powder form and you add it to your cuppa (tea or coffee) It doesn't do anything for your sex life, but it sure stops your biscuit going soft!! Ken :) |
kenj (9738) | ||
| 841659 | 2009-12-21 19:29:00 | Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Very quietly, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' |
johcar (6283) | ||
| 841660 | 2009-12-22 05:17:00 | Not really Xmassy but meh School exam answers Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds. Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’ A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head |
Morgenmuffel (187) | ||
| 841661 | 2009-12-23 07:11:00 | The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert . After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep . Some hours later, Tonto woke up and said, "Kemo sabay, look towards sky, what you see?" TLR replied, "I see millions of stars . " "What that tell you?" asked Tonto . TLR pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets . Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo . Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning . Theologically, Mother Nature is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant . Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . What does it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto says, "Kemo sabay, you dumber than buffalo **** . It means somebody stole the tent . " This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from . papercut . biz/emailStripper . htm" target="_blank">www . papercut . biz |
Cicero (40) | ||
| 841662 | 2009-12-23 08:30:00 | Interesting one there Cic - last time I saw that, it was Holmes & Watson. | Erayd (23) | ||
| 841663 | 2009-12-23 11:32:00 | Interesting one there Cic - last time I saw that, it was Holmes & Watson.Ditto. | Greg (193) | ||
| 841664 | 2009-12-23 17:41:00 | Last time I saw it, a bit of it was the Southern Cross. | R2x1 (4628) | ||
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