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Thread ID: 105979	2009-12-21 02:04:00	Monday Laughs................Christmas Special..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
841675	2009-12-25 07:11:00	Sorry wouldn't paste. Pity, you would have been amused.	Cicero (40)
841676	2009-12-28 21:19:00	This is worth a slight curl of the lip . . . . . . . . . Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide …… Let’s see now …… . No Jesus No Christmas No TV No nude women No car races No football No golf No fishing No Supermarkets No pork sausages on the barbecue No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish at all or even frozen fish sticks No nachos No beer nuts No beer!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats Constant wailing from the chap next door because he’s sick and there are no doctors Constant wailing from the guy in the tower More than one wife You can’t shave Your wives can’t shave You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times Your bride is picked by someone else She smells just like your donkey But your donkey has a better disposition Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?	Cicero (40)
841677	2009-12-28 22:57:00	There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."	pctek (84)
841678	2009-12-28 23:31:00	Something philosophical Life Explained A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village . A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them . "Not very long . " they answered in unison . "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families . "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives . In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . We have a full life . " The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day . You can then sell the extra fish you catch . With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat . " "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers . Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant . You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise . " "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years . " replied the tourist . "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing . "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen . "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends . " And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life . . . you may already be there!!	Cicero (40)
841679	2009-12-28 23:57:00	Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower: ' Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o ' clock, 6 miles! ' Delta 351: ' Give us another hint! We have digital watches! ' ************************************************** ************************************************ Tower: ' TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees. ' TWA 2341: ' Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here? ' Tower: ' Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727? ' ************************************************** ************************************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: ' I ' m f...ing bored! ' Ground Traffic Control: ' Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! ' Unknown aircraft: ' I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid! ' ************************************************** ************************************************ O ' Hare Approach Control to a 747: ' United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o ' clock, three miles, Eastbound. ' United 329: ' Approach, I ' ve always wanted to say this..I ' ve got the little Fokker in sight. ' ************************************************** ************************************************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, ' What was your last known position? ' Student: ' When I was number one for takeoff. ' ************************************************** ************************************************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: ' American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport. ' ************************************************** ************************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time? ' Ground (in English): ' If you want an answer you must speak in English. ' Lufthansa (in English): ' I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English? ' Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): ' Because you lost the bloody war! ' ************************************************** ************************************************** Tower: ' Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7 ' Eastern 702: ' Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway. ' Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702? ' BR Continental 635: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we ' ve already notified our caterers. ' ************************************************** ************************************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, ' What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself? ' The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: ' I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I ' ll have enough parts for another one. ' ************************************************** ************************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one ' s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway. ' Ground: ' Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. ' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: ' Speedbird, do you not know where you are going? ' Speedbird 206: ' Stand by, Ground, I ' m looking up our gate location now. ' ! Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ' Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before? ' Speedbird 206 (coolly): ' Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn ' t land. ' ************************************************** *********************************************** While taxiing at London ' s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: ' US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it ' s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right! ' Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: ' God! Now you ' ve screwed everything up! It ' ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don ' t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771? ' ' Yes, ma ' am, ' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: ' Wasn ' t I married to you once? '	Cicero (40)
841680	2009-12-29 03:40:00	I must admit I don't really get #16. It's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" written in a vague approximation of bash script and referencing several common CLI tools. Only funny to those who understand unix / linux shell scripting.	Erayd (23)
841681	2009-12-29 07:27:00	It's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" written in a vague approximation of bash script and referencing several common CLI tools. Only funny to those who understand unix / linux shell scripting. Thanks. I saw it on the back of a truck recently.	mikebartnz (21)
841682	2009-12-29 18:46:00	A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon" The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum" The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians" The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and Then Greek Says: "We invented sex" The Italian says:"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women" Ken	kenj (9738)
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