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Thread ID: 106491	2010-01-10 22:09:00	Monday Laughs.......First of the New Year...Starts well, ends on a philosophical note	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
847698	2010-01-10 22:09:00	LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good too Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried. ********************************* While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff' ********************************* My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. ********************************* My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ********************************* I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... ********************************* I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?' ********************************* While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' ********************************* A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out for a pint at the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie..' She replied, ' Awe Jock that's awfy nice - are you taking me to the pub wi you?' 'Nae', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.' ********************************* A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' "I will show you", the Lord replied, and led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.....In the middle of the room was a large round table.. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly, and they appeared to be starving. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell. They went to the next room and opened the door....and it was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons strapped to their arms, but here the people were well nourished and plump, talking amongst themselves and laughing. The holy man said, 'I don't understand. 'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, the greedy think only of themselves. All the best for the New Year to all at PF1 Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: PS, Here's a little known secret: it is now two thousand and ten, 'twenty ten' is no more a number than 'lebenty-eleven'. Past variants were historical anachronisms	Billy T (70)
847699	2010-01-10 22:35:00	talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. that happened to me when i picked up the supra to bring home for the first time - it has a aero top you can take off so thats the first thing that happaned - off goes the roof and on goes the sunscreen - still got burnt to a crisp though :mad: but it was well worth it :p	MAC_H8ER (5897)
847700	2010-01-10 23:17:00	A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.' Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.....he died. I married his widow	KenESmith (6287)
847701	2010-01-11 00:43:00	"Beer" Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties &local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman . Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer . " The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere . It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs" . Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them . A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex . Men are rendered helpless against this approach . After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted . After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred . At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship . " In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage . " Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females . Please! Forward this warning to every male you know . If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men . For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book .	Cicero (40)
847702	2010-01-11 00:56:00	Some goodies in this lot . . . . . . . . . Ciccy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Here's proof of the pure innocence of children, especially in their thinking . . . . . . and of Moms (who are made of sugar & spice in the eyes of their children) . WHY GOD MADE MOMS Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1 . She's the only one who knows where the scissors and scotch tape is . 2 . Mostly to clean the house . 3 . To help us out of there when we were getting born . How did God make mothers? 1 . He used dirt, just like for the rest of us . 2 . Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring . 3 . God made my Mom just the same like he made me . . He just used bigger parts . What ingredients are mothers made of ? 1 . God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean . 2 . They had to get their start from men's bones . Then they mostly use string, I think . Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1 . We're related . 2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me . What kind of little girl was your mom? 1 . My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff . 2 . I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy . 3 . They say she used to be nice . What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1 . His last name . 2 . She had to know his background . Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3 . Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1 . My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world . And my Mom eats a lot . 2 She got too old to do anything else with him . 3 . My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on . Who's the boss at your house? 1 . Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball . 2 . Mom . You can tell by room inspection . She sees the stuff under the bed . 3 . I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad . What's the difference between moms & dads? 1 . Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work . 2 . . Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them . 3 . Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's . 4 . Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine . What does your mom do in her spare time? 1 . Mothers don't do spare time . 2 . To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long . What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1 . On the inside she's already perfect . Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery . 2 . Diet . You know, her hair . I'd diet, maybe blue . If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1 . She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean . I'd get rid of that . 2 . I'd make my mom smarter . Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me . 3 . I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head .	Cicero (40)
847703	2010-01-11 03:58:00	that happened to me when i picked up the supra to bring home for the first time - it has a aero top you can take off so thats the first thing that happaned - off goes the roof and on goes the sunscreen - still got burnt to a crisp though :mad: but it was well worth it :p A Mkiii I hope :drool	--Wolf-- (128)
847704	2010-01-11 19:47:00	A Mkiii I hope :drool Yeah man MKIII all the way :thumbs: its a shame its always raining down here as its brilliant with the roof off :D	MAC_H8ER (5897)
847705	2010-01-11 20:12:00	There is only one Mk III and that is a Zephyr.	prefect (6291)
847706	2010-01-11 22:23:00	Yeah man MKIII all the way :thumbs: its a shame its always raining down here as its brilliant with the roof off :D Good man. Was never a big fan of the aero top but sometimes I wouldn't mind having one, especially since I took the AC out.	--Wolf-- (128)
847707	2010-01-11 22:26:00	There is only one Mk III and that is a Zephyr. this is correct :D but until we get a better naming convention (saying GA70, MA70 or JZA70 is a mouthfull and most plebs dont have a clue what you are on about) we will gladly pinch the MKIII moniker off the Zephyr :p Billy: Apologies for Derailing the thread - ill try and bring it back with this: Teacher asks her class if anyone knows a story from the bible. Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Yes miss , i can tell you about David and Goliath ", "Ok, carry on Johnny" says the teacher "Well, to cut a long story short David killed Goliath , and then he got on his motorbike and ****ed off" said Johnny, the teacher says "You're right to an extent , David did kill Goliath , but back then they never had motorbikes" Yes they did , and i can prove it" replies Johnny , then he opens up his bible turns to page 354 and says "It says in here that when David killed Goliath all you could hear was the roar from his triumph!" How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground." How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office. How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert. What is the new O.J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach? He is the only one with sesame seed buns. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless. Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"? It can't be found. What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A wedding. How do you get five hundred cows in a barn? Put up a "Bingo" sign. What does a bulimic have for dessert? Two fingers. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain? It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it! What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back." A grizzled prospector rides into a small town after 3 months of solitude. He walks into the only bar, drinks a whisky and asks the bar tender, "got any women in town?" "No," is the reply, "but there is always Jake." "No way, I'm not that kind of guy," responds the prospector. Next day he restocks and off he goes into the hills again. Three months later, our prospector is back - has his whisky. "Any women in town?" he asks. "Nope, but jake is available," is the reply. "No thanks, I'm not that kind of guy," says the prospector, and off he goes again. The next time the prospector is back in town, its been nearly a year since he last saw a woman, and let's just say the gun is fully loaded... He goes into the bar, asks if there are any women yet and gets the same response: no women, but maybe Jake. He has a whisky, then another and a third. Then he asks the barman, "so... about Jake.... Who's gonna know?" "Well," says the barkeep, "you're gonna know, and I'm gonna know. And Jake's gonna know, of course." He pauses. "And Tom and Leroy's gonna know." "Tom and Leroy? What have they got to do with it?" asks the prospector. "Tom and Leroy have to hold Jake down because he's not that kind of guy either!"	MAC_H8ER (5897)
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