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| Thread ID: 107003 | 2010-01-31 22:14:00 | Monday Laughs................Keeping it on topic........... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 854037 | 2010-01-31 22:14:00 | Please keep this thread for jokes or comments on jokes. Monday Laughs has always been relatively free of OT excursions but there has been a noticeable increase of late. Please try to keep it as intended, a light hearted start to the week. Thanks, Billy. :) Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And finally.............In New Zealand they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent. ********************************* Pastor Fluff The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish." ********************************* Great Re-unions A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. ********************************* The Australian Broadcasting Corporation Media Release In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Italian, Lebanese, Muslim, Asian and Indigenous people appearing on TV, ABC Television have decided that, in future, 'Crimestoppers' will be shown TWICE weekly. ********************************* Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet......He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots.. My mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years! ********************************* Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going? Makes perfectly good sense to me..... We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile.. Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 854038 | 2010-01-31 22:25:00 | And finally.............In New Zealand they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent. The Indian accent isn't that hard to understand is it? |
bob_doe_nz (92) | ||
| 854039 | 2010-01-31 22:30:00 | Not if you're Indian!! :D Loved the Pastor joke Billy!!! |
johcar (6283) | ||
| 854040 | 2010-01-31 22:31:00 | 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. Lmao! :D :thumbs: |
Bozo (8540) | ||
| 854041 | 2010-01-31 22:50:00 | The Moral of Auntie Sharon A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it . The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories . Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens . One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken . ' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher . 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher . Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too . But we raise chickens for the meat market . One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched' . ' 'That was a fine story Sarah . ' Michael, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes . My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon . Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit . She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete . She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops . She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets . Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke . And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands . ' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the f . . . . away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking . ' ************************************************** ***** A truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him . The waitress asks them for their orders . The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu . A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9 . 40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays . This becomes routine until the two enter again . 'The usual?' asks the waitress . 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man . . ' Same for me,' says the emu . Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32 . 62 . ' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table . The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer . 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp . When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes . My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there . ' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress . 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right . Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there . ' says the man . Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' :confused: The truckie pauses, sighs,:groan: and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say . ************************************************** ***** Airports are toughing up on security with new devices - Coming To an Airport Near You ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/Airport . png" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) . |
wainuitech (129) | ||
| 854042 | 2010-01-31 22:53:00 | Thanks Billy I look forward to these each week |
Gobe1 (6290) | ||
| 854043 | 2010-02-01 00:06:00 | Thanks Billy T as good as ever | gary67 (56) | ||
| 854044 | 2010-02-01 01:46:00 | RULES OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT If you open it CLOSE IT! If you turn it on TURN IT OFF! If you unlock it LOCK IT! If you break it REPAIR IT! If you can’t fix it CALL SOMEONE WHO CAN! If you borrow it RETURN IT! If you use it TAKE CARE OF IT! If you make a mess CLEAN IT UP! If you borrow it PUT IT BACK! If it belongs to someone else GET PERMISSION TO USE IT! If you don’t know how to operate it LEAVE IT ALONE! If it does not concern you DON’T MESS WITH IT! If you sleep on it MAKE IT UP! If you step in it WIPE IT UP! If you wear it HANG IT UP! If you drop it PICK IT UP! If you eat out of it WASH IT! If it rings ANSWER IT! If it howls FEED IT! |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 854045 | 2010-02-01 01:55:00 | hahaha | forums12345 (15197) | ||
| 854046 | 2010-02-01 03:50:00 | ...and in my house - if you lift it up, put it down! Ken ;) |
kenj (9738) | ||
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