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Thread ID: 107003 2010-01-31 22:14:00 Monday Laughs................Keeping it on topic........... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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854057 2010-02-02 22:09:00 :lol: Agent_24 (57)
854058 2010-02-02 22:18:00 Apparently this is a true story

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.

She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A p**s". A startled hush fell over the table until the former president leant over and said: "My dear, I think its pronounced 'happiness'." 		seltsam (13470)
854059 2010-02-03 00:43:00 I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'



IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing! 		Cicero (40)
854060 2010-02-03 04:35:00 I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified . Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers . Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future .

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew') .

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird . '



IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

They deserve it too the damn Frenchies 		gary67 (56)
854061 2010-02-04 01:33:00 This may have been here before and if so I'm sorry to have bothered you. It came to mind as I'm doing the BBQ for our local PC User group on Waitangi Day.

Summer is coming: New Standard BBQ Operating Procedures released today -- please learn

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salads, prepares the vegetables, and makes desserts.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.


Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Tomorrow he'll remind her to clean the barbeque...............

*********************************


Canadian Humor


The day after his wife disappeared in a Kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties on his doorstep.

"We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife" said one Mountie

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I am sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The Mountie responded, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

*********************************


A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home from the office, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she take a shower while I washed and dried her clothes and I loaned her that bathrobe I bought for your birthday that you don't wear because it doesn't have the right label in it. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were not just dirty, they were also full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she oviously needed fresh clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I gave ther that jacket you haven't worn since your sister bought one just like it. I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

*********************************


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it... It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp * rm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm... Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

*********************************


It's so dry in West Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!!

*********************************


The $100 bill

It's a hot, steamy August day in a resort town that sits on the shores of a small lake. It's raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough in the recession, everybody in town is in debt and living on credit. A rich tourist drives into town, enters the local hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs before picking one for the night.


When the tourist is out of sight, the hotel proprietor pockets the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the Butcher. The Butcher, in turn, takes the 100 dollar bill, runs down the block and pays his debt to the pig farmer who's about to do his weekly shopping at the Co-Op. The pig farmer heads on into the store and pays his feed and fuel bill to the store owner. The Co-Op manager grabs the 100 dollar bill and runs up the back stairs of the hotel to pay his debt to the town prostitute who, in these hard times, had been giving her "services" on credit. The hooker skips down the front stairs to the reception desk and happily pays off her room rental account to the proprietor with the same 100 dollar bill.

At this point, the hotel proprietor places the 100 dollar bill back on the counter, exactly where the tourist had left it earlier so he won't suspect he's done anything with it. Seconds later, the tourist returns and says, "Sorry. I didn't really like any of the rooms," picks up his 100 dollar bill, and leaves town.

No one actually earned anything, however, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today. 		Sweep (90)
854062 2010-02-05 01:58:00 A keyboard for men... johcar (6283)
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