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Thread ID: 107189	2010-02-07 21:09:00	Monday Laughs...............Its Blonde time again..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
856193	2010-02-07 21:09:00	A Blonde's 2009 Year in Review January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight . February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . . . . . Bottles won't fit in printer!!! March: Got really excited . . . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . . box said "2-4 years!" April: Trapped on escalator for hours . . . . power went out!!! May: Tried to make Kool-Aid . . . . . wrong instructions . . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June: Tried to go water skiing . . . . . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope . July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . . . learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm . . . . car swamped because soft-top was open . September: The capital of California is "C" . . . . . isn't it??? October: Hate M & M's . . . . . they are so hard to peel . November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . . . . shrivelled up to nothing and too tough to eat . . . . . . . . Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December: Had emergency but couldn't call nine-eleven . "Duh" . . . . . there was no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! ********************************* THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF 2010 - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox . She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house . A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again . Angrily, back into the house she went . As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever . . Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (Are you ready? This is a beauty . . . ) "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" ********************************* A Mexican maid asked her employer for a pay increase . The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you ant a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase . The first is that I iron better than you . ' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so . ' Wife: 'Oh . ' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you . ' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did . ' Wife: 'Oh . ' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you . ' Wife: (Really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did . ' SHE GOT THE INCREASE ********************************* New Alphabet A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead: A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention . H High blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I For incisions with scars you can show . J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend . L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next . N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two . S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know . W for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found . Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest, I still have-- in my mind . I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, I'm keeping twenty-six doctors, fully employed!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY! ********************************* Granddad reminiscing about the Good Old Days "When I were a lad, me Mum would send me down to t'corner store wiv' a quid, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'arf a dozen eggs . Yer can't do that now . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . too many bloody security cameras . " ********************************* SUPPOSEDLY AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD (I'd check Snopes): To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, Night Before Last . Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a . m . E . S . T . I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend and threatening our lives . You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings . I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message . First, I'd like to apologise for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket . . . . . The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason . My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening . Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your crotch . . . isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants . I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me . [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again] . After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cellphone, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done . Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card . The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet . [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb . . . . after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car . Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone . Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target . The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc) . In a way, perhaps I should apologise for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime . I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these immediate and rather pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life . Remember, next time you might not be so lucky . Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
856194	2010-02-07 22:42:00	SUPPOSEDLY AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD (I'd check Snopes): To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, Night Before Last . Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a . m . E . S . T . I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend and threatening our lives . You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings . I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message . First, I'd like to apologise for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket . . . . . The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason . My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 . 45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening . Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your crotch . . . isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants . I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me . [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again] . After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cellphone, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done . Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card . The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet . [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb . . . . after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car . Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone . Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target . The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc) . In a way, perhaps I should apologise for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime . I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these immediate and rather pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life . Remember, next time you might not be so lucky . Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: EPIC!	Cato (6936)
856195	2010-02-08 22:31:00	One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.' Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament. Family ties A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Muttering away, the Taliban staggered away over the hill... Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie!"	KarameaDave (15222)
856196	2010-02-10 04:43:00	I learned today,there is a German bra with an unusual name,those damn Jerries are a laugh.......... "Holtzemfromfloppen"	Cicero (40)
856197	2010-02-10 04:51:00	An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."	Coaster (270)
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