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Thread ID: 107402	2010-02-14 21:25:00	Monday Laughs................Age, animals and all that	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
858525	2010-02-14 21:25:00	Priorities An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tightly so that it would not blow away in the wind . A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam . I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know, " said the lady . "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat . " "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest . The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old . I just bought this hat yesterday!" ********************************* Sex @ 97 I've just found out I can still have sex at 97! I am so happy because I live at 94, so it's not far to walk home . . . in fact it's just across the road! ********************************* The owner of a golf course in North Carolina was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help . He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of North Carolina and I need some help . If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings . " You gotta love those Southern women . ********************************* The Potty A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet . His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's Up . The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but aout every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand . His mother says: "Bobby, are you all right? You've been in here for a while . " Bobby says: "I'm fine, mummy . I just haven't 'gone potty' yet . " Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes . But, Bobby, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Bobby says: "Works for ketchup . " ********************************* A smart-arsed University student was walking along Takapuna Beach when he saw a senior citizen resting on the edge of the boat ramp . He stopped and exchanged a few words, but didn't manage to strike up a meaningful conversation . He then took it upon himself to explain in no uncertain terms exactly why it was impossible for the older generation to understand modern youth . "You grew up in a different world" he said, "in fact it was an almost primitive society . The young people of today grew up with colour television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon; we have nuclear energy, ships far bigger than the Titanic, cellphones, computers that work at incredible speed, the internet, and a heck of a lot more stuff that you wouldn't even understand" . The old man looked thoughtfully out to sea for a while, and then said "You know you're right son, we didn't have any of those things when we were young . . . . . . . . . . so we invented them . Now you jumped up little prat, tell me what are you and your lot doing for the next generations? ********************************* During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore an oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital'' Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish! ********************************* Ground rules: Pets and you This person really knows cats!! The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door . Dear Dogs and Cats The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food . The other dishes are mine and contain my food . Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and/or food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest . The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack . Racing me to the bottom is not the object . Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run . I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed . I am very sorry about this . However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort . Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep . It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible . I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm . For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door . I must exit through the same door I entered . Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required . The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt . I cannot stress this enough . Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here . You don't . (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture . That's why they call it 'fur'-niture . (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people . (4) To you, they are animals . To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly . They also don't spray graffiti on the neighbours' fences, come home drunk, raid my purse or steal cars . Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) Eat less . (2) Don't ask for money all the time . (3) Are easier to train . (4) Normally come when called . (5) Never ask to drive the car . (6) Don't hang out with drug-using people . (7) Don't smoke or drink . (8) Don't want to wear your clothes . (9) Don't have to buy the latest fashions . (10) Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and (11) If they get pregnant, you can sell their children . . . . ********************************* Bullshit and Brilliance A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company . One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction, clearly with the intention of making him lunch . The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat . Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees . 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard . So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up . The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard . The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story . . . . Don't mess with old farts . . old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
858526	2010-02-14 22:44:00	TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here . You don't . (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture . That's why they call it 'fur'-niture . (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people . (4) To you, they are animals . To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly . They also don't spray graffiti on the neighbours' fences, come home drunk, raid my purse or steal cars . Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) Eat less . (2) Don't ask for money all the time . (3) Are easier to train . (4) Normally come when called . (5) Never ask to drive the car . (6) Don't hang out with drug-using people . (7) Don't smoke or drink . (8) Don't want to wear your clothes . (9) Don't have to buy the latest fashions . (10) Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and (11) If they get pregnant, you can sell their children . . . . I like this one because it is so true inregards to having pets .	convair (13650)
858527	2010-02-14 22:48:00	Excellent selection today Billy, many thanks :D	Bozo (8540)
858528	2010-02-14 23:38:00	Love the one about the Poodle :D	Agent_24 (57)
858529	2010-02-15 00:09:00	Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the Grassy Knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors. Dave Barry Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet. Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.	pctek (84)
858530	2010-02-15 00:43:00	I bought a new Toyota VAN and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work . The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated . 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio . The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers . Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson . I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs . Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them . I yelled, '********!' Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Hone Harawira ! Damn - I LOVE this truck .	Cicero (40)
858531	2010-02-15 01:42:00	The Pope and Tiger Woods coincidentally die on the same day and, because of an administrative mix up, the Pope was consigned to Hell and Tiger Woods was sent up to Heaven . The Pope was understandably surprised and somewhat upset and explained the unfortunate situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, who, after checking the paperwork, admitted that there was indeed an error . The clerk explained, however, that it would be 24 hours before the error could be rectified . Next day, the Pope is called up to departure and all Hell's staff line up to bid him farewell . On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a brief chat . "Sorry about the mix up, Mr Woods," apologised the Pope . "No problem, Your Holiness," replied Tiger Woods . Pope: "I must say I am really anxious to get to Heaven . " Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary . " Tiger: "You're a day late . "	KiwiTT_NZ (233)
858532	2010-02-15 04:04:00	A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out . Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic . He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could . When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill . When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150% . Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade . " The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark . " After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career . ”	Misty (368)
858533	2010-02-15 20:10:00	A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently,Tiger Woods was right when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you stray from home." :D	nofam (9009)
858534	2010-02-15 23:08:00	On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Hone Harawira was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the New Zealand Indigenous situation in New Zealand He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of siht, it can no longer fly.	Cicero (40)
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