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Thread ID: 107760	2010-03-01 03:54:00	Monday Laughs...............The Post Turtle, and Others.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
862647	2010-03-01 03:54:00	A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy! Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten bltch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!' ********************************* Three men married.................... The first man married a woman from the USA. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Australia. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a good dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from New Zealand. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and he could move his right arm enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees. ********************************* Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to feel warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement... Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. ********************************* A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, ' we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde" "The next day the girl came skipping home from school once more. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered afterwards, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36c's. "Very good dear," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, honey, it's because you're 24!" ********************************* One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His curiosity was cut short by Derek, the home-owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment then asks, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times.... ********************************* The post turtle ... A 75 year old Aussie farmer was visiting the farm of his daughter and son-in-law in New Zealand, and had his hand badly gashed when it was caught in a gate while he was helping to work some cattle. While the doctor was sewing it up, he struck up a conversation with the old man and eventually the topic got around to John Key and his efforts as New Zealand's Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Key is a post turtle'. Never before having heard the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, 'Well son, when you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top- that there's a 'post turtle'. He saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself - you know that he doesn't belong up there - you know that he doesn't know what to do while he's up there - and you just wonder what kind of dumb buggers put him up there to begin with. better late than never.......... Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
862648	2010-03-01 04:12:00	Children writing about the ocean: 1) - This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6) 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7) 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8) 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.(Millie, age 6) 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7) 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6) 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6) 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)	kenj (9738)
862649	2010-03-01 06:44:00	Three men married.................... The first man married a woman from the USA. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Australia. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a good dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from New Zealand. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and he could move his right arm enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. Now that one I like.	pctek (84)
862650	2010-03-01 07:22:00	That's not a joke; that's history.	R2x1 (4628)
862651	2010-03-01 08:20:00	The post turtle ... A 75 year old Aussie farmer was visiting the farm of his daughter and son-in-law in New Zealand, and had his hand badly gashed when it was caught in a gate while he was helping to work some cattle. While the doctor was sewing it up, he struck up a conversation with the old man and eventually the topic got around to John Key and his efforts as New Zealand's Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Key is a post turtle'. Never before having heard the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, 'Well son, when you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top- that there's a 'post turtle'. He saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself - you know that he doesn't belong up there - you know that he doesn't know what to do while he's up there - and you just wonder what kind of dumb buggers put him up there to begin with. better late than never.......... Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: They surely did	gary67 (56)
862652	2010-03-02 02:45:00	Chinese Wedding Night A young Chinese couple gets married . She's a virgin . Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that . On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness . He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring . 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten . I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want . You juss ask . Wha tchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her . A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request . She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls . . . . Numbaa 69 . ' More thoughtful silence, this time from him . Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her . . . . 'You want . . . . . . . . . Garlic Chicken wif flied lice?' *INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES* A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down . An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town . She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off . The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills . When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off . "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant . "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off . " "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles . "	Cicero (40)
862653	2010-03-03 00:23:00	Ok this is a bit of adult typography, so if you are offended by the pictures just read the words fontfeed.com	Morgenmuffel (187)
862654	2010-03-03 01:30:00	No, honey, it's because you're 24! Excellent Billy ! :D :D Misty	Misty (368)
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