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Thread ID: 108120	2010-03-14 22:04:00	Monday Laughs..............Celibacy, Love stories, and more...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
867225	2010-03-14 22:04:00	What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?' "And that was when I began my life of celibacy"......... ********************************* A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...And I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor... "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon... So I did sir" says Murphy... "Bravo, bravo!...You're good at this and what about the third one?"Asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does... like a bolt outta the blue. She tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick...For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?" Asks the doctor... "I put drops in her eyes" ********************************* A love story for men Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?' The Princess said, 'NO !' And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and kept a hotrod and other old cars in his garage, went fishing and hunting and played golf, stayed out late at night, got up whatever time he felt like, dated any woman he fancied, and drank beer and coffee, brought sexy women home for the night, and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, watched whatever he wanted on TV, wore his boots in the house and farted whenever and wherever he liked. The End ********************************* A 78 yr old Chief asks his wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?" Wife replied, "No not at all, even dogs chase cars and they can't drive. ********************************* A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!" ********************************* An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the Mayor. The priest was quite concerned, "You have to do something about the footpaths in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing, your wife told me that she fell three times last week!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
867226	2010-03-14 22:59:00	15 Items of Advice for Women add joke 1 . Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers . 2 . What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door . 3 . If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there . 4 . Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone . 5 . Go for the younger man . You might as well, they never mature anyway . 6 . Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart . 7 . Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it . 8 . If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital . 9 . The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years . Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions . Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e . g . drink a cup of coffee . In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat . A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman, will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown . Q . How do you save a man from drowning? A . Take your foot off his head . A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life . The girl says, "Mommy, what's a penis?" Her mother says, "That's what your father pees with . " Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?" Her mother frowns and says, "That's what is attached to the penis . " Q . Why do so many women fake orgasm? A . Because so many men fake foreplay . Q . Why is it so hard to find a man who is sensitive, caring and emotionally mature? A . Because they all have boyfriends . GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil . Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash . Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty . Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit . Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past . Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes . Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled . After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages . . . only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there . GEOGRAPHY OF MEN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick Q . How can you tell if a man is well hung? A . When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose . He said . . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . . They don't have time He said . . . How does a man show that he is planning for the future? She said . . . . He buys two cases of beer . He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed . Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge . Q . What's the best thing to do if your husband walks out on you? A . Lock the door . A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night . As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big, macho man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on . " She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body . "I can't wear your pants!" she said . He shot her a stern look, paused, and then said, "That's right, and don't you forget it . I'm the one who wears the pants in the family . " Hearing that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on . " He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecaps . He said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "And that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes . " Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One . . . men will screw anything . Q . Why do men masturbate? A . It's sex with someone they love . Men are like . . . newborn babies They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap . Men are like . . . coffee The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night . Men are like . . . computers . Hard to figure out and never enough memory . Men are like . . . coolers . Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere . Men are like . . . chocolate bars . Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips . Men are like . . . remote controls Simple . Easy to use . And usually lying around a TV . Men are like . . . road kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell . Men are like . . . soap operas Men are like . . . old car tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare . Men are like . . . horoscopes . They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong . Men are like . . . plungers . They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom . Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom: To understand my man Love: To forgive him Patience: For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death . Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute . In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow . Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year . " Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands . She took a few deep breaths to compose herself . She simply had to know . She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?" A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year . A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter . "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time . Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings . Besies that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls . A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation . " So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife . "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to ge tyou into bed so that we can make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica . " Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond . The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me . One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so . "That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so . ” Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river . Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river . " Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river . " Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once . Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river . " Poof! He was turned into a woman . She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge . Why Dogs are Better Than Men! Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public . Dogs miss you when you're gone . Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong . Dogs don't criticize your friends . Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence . You can train a dog . Dogs are easy to buy for . The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas . Dogs understand what no means . Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside . Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner . Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do . Dogs mean it when they kiss you .	pctek (84)
867227	2010-03-14 23:49:00	:ban This post, unfair on us blokes:lol:	WalOne (4202)
867228	2010-03-14 23:59:00	:ban This post, unfair on us blokes:lol: Don't worry... us blokes don't have to keep justifying or proving ourselves. Most of us are happy to be as we are. Ken ;)	kenj (9738)
867229	2010-03-15 00:13:00	true but still funny	Gobe1 (6290)
867230	2010-03-15 04:58:00	Oh, c'mon PCTek, they're not ALL like that! :) LL	lakewoodlady (103)
867231	2010-03-15 05:04:00	The key difference between Blokes and Blokettes is that most Blokes don't give a toss what Blokettes think of them, whereas most Blokettes spend their whole lives worrying about what they look like, what the neighbours think, and what everybody else is wearing. :illogical Cheers Billy 8-{) Disclaimer: I do care what Mrs T thinks of course, it's not worth my life not to!	Billy T (70)
867232	2010-03-15 05:10:00	I do not have an opinion on the subject, that will have to wait until SWMBO returns.	R2x1 (4628)
867233	2010-03-16 04:46:00	Well, the cat's away, so - - How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work the stuff.	R2x1 (4628)
867234	2010-03-16 05:01:00	Har Har	zqwerty (97)
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