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Thread ID: 108285	2010-03-22 01:14:00	Monday Laughs..............Belated St Patrick's Day Special...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
869140	2010-03-22 01:14:00	Typical Irish, couldn't get St Patrick to Mondayise! Still, better late than never . . . . . . . . . . . . . Two Irishmen Walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem . ' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them . 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry . The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box . Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass . At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place . ' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff . Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead . Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat . Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE . . . Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass . He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other . 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says . He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free . He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun . Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot . Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body . Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET . . . Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears . He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken . Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine . Once more Paddy shakes his head . 'Fook dat, lads . First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting . . . And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' **************************************** An Irish woman of advancing age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido . 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor? 'Not a chance', she said . 'He won't even take an aspirin . ' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor . 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra' . ‘That's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it’ . ‘Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went . ' A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress . The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!’ ‘T'was horrid! . . . Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? . . . . . . . What happened?' asked the doctor . 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me passionately, then and there on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Bejaysus yes, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face at me church's coffee evenin's again!’ **************************************** Irish Bus Thieves Two Irish friends leave the pub . One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home . ' I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home . ' 'We could steal a bus from the depot . ' replies his mate . They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out . After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No . 91' 'Oh Jaysus Christ, ye thick sod! Just take the No . 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout . **************************************** Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car . Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken . ' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street . ' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence and after a minute . Operator: 'Are you there sir?' Silence and a minute later . Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until . . . . . . Operator: 'Sir, please answer me . Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat . I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street . **************************************** Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg . Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 23 year-old twin daughters sitting in their beds . "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both . "Fook off you liar!" they says . "I'll prove it," Murphy says . So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?" "Of course," shouts Paddy, "What's the use of fookin' one?" **************************************** Paddy met Mick in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?' 'Why?' Paddy asked . 'Because,' said Mick, 'the entire street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday . ' Mick said, 'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them . I wasn't home yesterday . ' **************************************** Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does . **************************************** Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink . Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk . **************************************** The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent . **************************************** An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy . **************************************** Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
869141	2010-03-22 02:23:00	hahaha awesome	Gobe1 (6290)
869142	2010-03-22 02:46:00	:D Love it!!!!	xyz823 (13649)
869143	2010-03-23 03:43:00	A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground . He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head . The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services . He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy . I can help . First, let's make sure he's dead . ” There is a silence, then a shot is heard . The guy's voice comes back on the line . He says: “OK, now what?“ ---------------------------- Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip . After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep . Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend . “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see . ” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson . “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute . “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets . bullet Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo . bullet Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three . bullet Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . bullet Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe . But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment . “Watson, you idiot!” he says . “Someone has stolen our tent!” -------------------------------- When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity . To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C . The Russians used a pencil . ----------------------- Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires . Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks ------------------- Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions . ” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?” ------------ A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion . The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up” . The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”	pctek (84)
869144	2010-03-23 04:35:00	Keeping to the Irish theme of this post: Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" An Irish priest was driving down to New York and was stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his backside cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.	Roscoe (6288)
869145	2010-03-25 16:39:00	A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest . The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket . He opens a newspaper and begins reading . After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest . "I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper . The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes . "I'm very sorry . I didn't mean to be so harsh . How long have you had arthritis?" "Oh, I don't have it, Father . It says here that the Pope does . "	Cicero (40)
869146	2010-03-26 00:01:00	Not exactly an Irish joke, but definitely Irish in nature: Q. "How do you get down off an elephant?" A. "You don't, you get down off a duck" Q. "What is the difference between a duck?" A. "One of its legs is both the same." :waughh: :waughh:	johcar (6283)
869147	2010-03-26 00:09:00	Q . "What is the difference between a duck?" A . "One of its legs is both the same . " :clap	pctek (84)
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