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Thread ID: 108639	2010-04-05 22:24:00	Tuesday Monday Laughs: Of men, Women and Marriage.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
873343	2010-04-05 22:24:00	Woman's list of what she wants in a man! Original List 1 . Handsome 2 . Charming 3 . Financially successful 4 . A caring listener 5 . Witty 6 . In good shape 7 . Dresses with style 8 . Appreciates finer things 9 . Full of thoughtful surprises What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1 . Nice looking . 2 . Opens car doors, holds chairs . 3 . Has enough money for a nice dinner . 4 . Listens more than talks . 5 . Laughs at my jokes . 6 . Carries bags of groceries with ease . 7 . Owns at least one tie . 8 . Appreciates a good home-cooked meal . 9 . Remembers birthdays and anniversaries . What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1 . Not too ugly . 2 . Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car . 3 . Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally . 4 . Nods head when I'm talking . 5 . Usually remembers punch lines of jokes . 6 . Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture . 7 . Wears a shirt that covers his stomach . 8 . Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids . 9 . Remembers to put the toilet seat down . 10 . Shaves most weekends . What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1 . Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed . 2 . Doesn't belch or scratch in public . 3 . Doesn't borrow money too often . 4 . Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting . 5 . Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times . 6 . Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends . 7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear . 8 . Appreciates a good TV dinner . 9 . Remembers your name on occasion . 10 . Shaves some weekends . What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1 . Doesn't scare small children . 2 . Remembers where bathroom is . 3 . Doesn't require much money for upkeep . 4 . Only snores lightly when asleep . 5 . Remembers why he's laughing . 6 . Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself . 7 . Usually wears some clothes . 8 . Likes soft foods . 9 . Remembers where he left his teeth . 10 . Remembers that it's the weekend . What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1 . Breathing . 2 . Doesn't miss the toilet . ********************************* After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl . Now I have a $500,000 . home, a $45,000 . 00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman . It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things . " My wife is a very reasonable woman . She told me I should go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV . Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis . ********************************* A Marriage made in Heaven On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident . The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St . Peter to process them into Heaven . While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St . Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven . St . Peter said, "I don't know . This is the first time anyone has asked . Let me go find out," and he left . The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . . For a couple of months . While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons . If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed . St . Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled . "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven . " "Great!" said the couple . "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St . Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground . "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple . "OH, COME ON!!!" St . Peter shouted . . "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???" ********************************* Marriage If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's . . then adopt a dog . If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want . . . . . then adopt a dog . If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies . . then adopt a dog . If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores . . then adopt a dog ! If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually . . . . then adopt a dog . BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, . . . . . . then adopt a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say . . . . . marry a man, didn't you? ********************************* Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday . His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club . The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before . 'Oh no,' says Bob . 'He's in my bowling league . When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser . His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club . I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby . Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club . Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab . Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her . Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book . The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bltch this time . ' Bob's funeral will be on Friday . Cheers Billy 8-{) :stare:	Billy T (70)
873344	2010-04-06 00:48:00	Haw Haw, especially like the St peter one	Gobe1 (6290)
873345	2010-04-06 04:11:00	After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000. home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me I should go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis. sorry, but I think you've done a variation of that one before.	jonathan (15437)
873346	2010-04-06 04:24:00	But it's still a damn good one! :)	BobM (1138)
873347	2010-04-06 04:30:00	sorry, but I think you've done a variation of that one before. Don't be sorry, I occasionally recycle oldies but goodies, some deserve a second run and probably nobody apart from me has read every single Monday Laughs.:) You missed the other recycle though, St Peter has also been posted within living memory. A lot of posts by others on Monday Laughs have been previously posted here as well. One day I might even recycle some WFTWE, that series ran for 200 straight weeks. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
873348	2010-04-06 05:04:00	...and probably nobody apart from me has read every single Monday Laughs.:)I have - they've been a much-appreciated addition to my week for many years. Thanks a million :D.	Erayd (23)
873349	2010-04-06 05:57:00	Two old women standing in line at the check-out of a supermarket, waiting their turns and one tells the other one: "I've just been widowed from my husband" . The other says: "Well - I've been widowed three times!" "Three times? Do tell me about it - what happened?" "My first two husbands died from eating poisoned mushrooms" . "Oh, my! How terrible! Imagine that!" said the first . "And what about the last one? she asked . "Oh, he died of a concussion" she says . "Well, that too is just terrible; how'd that horrible thing happen; how'd he get the concussion?" "He wouldn't eat the poisoned mushrooms"!	SurferJoe46 (51)
873350	2010-04-06 17:56:00	A Poem Worth Reading He was getting old and paunchy And his hair was falling fast, And he sat around the Legion, Telling stories of the past . Of a war that he once fought in And the deeds that he had done, In his exploits with his buddies; They were heroes, every one . And thou sometimes to his neighbours His tales became a joke, All his buddies listened quietly For they knew whereof he spoke . But we'll hear his tales no longer, For old Bob has passed away, And the world's a little poorer For a Soldier died today . He won't be mourned by many, Just his children and his wife . For he only lived an ordinary, Very quiet sort of life . He held a job and raised a family, Going quietly on his way; And the world won't note his passing, Though a Soldier died today . When politicians leave this earth, Their bodies lie in state, While thousands note their passing, And proclaim that they were great . Papers tell of their life stories From the time that they were young But the passing of a Soldier Goes unnoticed, and unsung . Is the greatest contribution To the welfare of our land, Some jerk who breaks his promise And cons his fellow man? Or the ordinary fellow Who in times of war and strife, Goes off to serve his country And offers up his life? The politician's stipend And the style in which he lives, Are often disproportionate, To the service that he gives . While the ordinary Soldier, Who offered up his all, Is paid off with a medal And perhaps a pension, small . It's so easy to forget them, For it is so many times That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys, Went to battle, but we know, It is not the politicians With their compromise and ploys, Who won for us the freedom That our country now enjoys . Should you find yourself in danger, With your enemies at hand, Would you really want some cop-out, With his ever waffling stand? Or would you want a Soldier His home, his country, his kin, Just a common Soldier, Who would fight until the end . He was just a common Soldier, And his ranks are growing thin, But his presence should remind us We may need his like again . For when countries are in conflict, We find the Soldier's part Is to clean up all the troubles That the politicians start . If we cannot do him honour While he's here to hear the praise, Then at least let's give him homage At the ending of his days . Perhaps just a simple headline In the paper that might say: "OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING, A SOLDIER DIED TODAY . " A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank cheque made payable to ' UK , Canada or The United States' for an amount "up to and including my life . " That is Honour, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it .	Cicero (40)
873351	2010-04-06 19:15:00	Cic, that ain't funny. Hell, one'd shed a tear.	Cato (6936)
873352	2010-04-06 20:31:00	Cic, that ain't funny. Hell, one'd shed a tear. I agree pal,where else can one put it.?	Cicero (40)
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