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Thread ID: 109147	2010-04-26 06:37:00	Monday Laughs......More Man vs woman............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
880057	2010-04-26 06:37:00	A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?' ********************************* It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3.. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45 give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Bring booze ********************************* Jacqueline and her husband Mike went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Mike and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Mike thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays and Fridays, I play golf, and Thursdays I'm at the office." ********************************* A young boy about 13 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said 'No'. The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' Since the boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute young boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!' ********************************* A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bltch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep." Better late than never..... Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
880058	2010-04-26 08:04:00	LOVE the frog one.	jonathan (15437)
880059	2010-04-26 08:47:00	:devil:thanks	gary67 (56)
880060	2010-04-26 11:18:00	LOVE the frog one. x2.	Cato (6936)
880061	2010-04-26 22:21:00	5. a father 15. a gynaecologist 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer What? No way would I want husband being my doctor. And absolutely not my father. How twisted.	pctek (84)
880062	2010-04-26 22:31:00	Hmm - that may be an interpretation issue pctek - I read that as a woman wants a man to be A father, nor HER father...	johcar (6283)
880063	2010-04-26 23:48:00	HAw haw awesome stuff billy, keep em coming Cheers	Gobe1 (6290)
880064	2010-04-27 00:04:00	What? No way would I want husband being my doctor. And absolutely not my father. How twisted. Its only a joke, lighten up.	prefect (6291)
880065	2010-04-27 22:37:00	Bonus Joke to help PCTek to recover from the trauma of her return to the bright city lights, and to get over her uncharacteristic attack of deep southern grinches syndrome: Some days things just never go right! A small, weedy guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps up beside him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?" The poor little guy starts crying. "For chrissake knock it off' says the biker, "I can't stand to see a grown man crying." "But this is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me." "Then when I went to the parking lot to go home, I found my car was stolen, and I don't have any insurance." After that, I was so upset I left my wallet in the cab I took home. He continues, crying even harder. Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and you show up, you miserable bastard, and drink the damn poison.... Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
880066	2010-04-28 02:37:00	Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque . They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside . ================================================ Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care . . . One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma . ======= ========================================= During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree . A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said, 'We didn't even know they were living up there' . ================================================ Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown five times a week now . ================================================ I just saw that Harry Potter film . A bit unrealistic if you ask me . I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends? ================================================ I had a mate who was suicidal . He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train . He was chuffed to bits . ================================================ I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed . How could anyone stoop so low? ================================================ I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet, so I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul; won't it start?"	Cicero (40)
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