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Thread ID: 109310	2010-05-02 22:23:00	Monday Laughs......Day of the Blondes............Be very very afraid.............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
881704	2010-05-02 22:23:00	It's tough to be a blonde! Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT . They started crying and turned around and went home . ********************************* FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' ********************************* CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station . She tells the mechanic it died . After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly . She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' ********************************* SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license . She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together . Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' ********************************* RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk . She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side . ' ********************************* AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it . 'Impossible!' says the doctor . . 'Show me . ' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more . She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed . Everywhere she touched made her scream . The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde . ' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken . ' ********************************* KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway . Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' ********************************* BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day . The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads . 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian . To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know . We're going at night!' ********************************* IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night . . . It was her turn . She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature . Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' ********************************* LASTLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were . The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex . Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO . . . . . . ,' answered the blonde . 'They're watch dogs'! ********************************* I'll finish on a more thoughtful note . . . . . . . . . Friends This explains why people forward jokes . . . . . . . . . A man and his dog were walking along a road . The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead . He remembered dying, and realised that the dog walking beside him had also been dead for years . He wondered where the road was leading them . After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road . It looked like fine marble . At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight . When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold . He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side . When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered . 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked . Of course, sir . Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up . 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open . 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked . 'I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets . ' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog . After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed . There was no fence . As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book . 'Excuse me!' he called to the man . 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in . ' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog . 'There should be a bowl by the pump . ' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it . The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog . When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree . 'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked . 'This is Heaven,' the man answered . 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said . 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too . ' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope . That's hell . ' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind . ' Soooo . . . . Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word . Maybe this will explain . When you are very busy but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes . When you have nothing important to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
881705	2010-05-03 06:27:00	Excellent as usual	gary67 (56)
881706	2010-05-03 07:09:00	:thanks Thanks Billy!	WalOne (4202)
881707	2010-05-07 22:26:00	I found this lot today so here they are before I forget to post them next Monday . ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written To local councils: 1 . It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow . 2 . I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off . 3 . I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage . 4 . Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence . 5 . I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof . I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off . 6 . My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7 . I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall . 8 . Will you please send someone to mend the garden path . My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant . 9 . I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen . 10 . 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy . 11 . I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers . 12 . The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared . 13 . Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink . 14 . Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces . 15 . I want to complain about the farmer across the road . Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me . 16 . The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous . 17 . Our kitchen floor is damp . We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it . 18 . I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night . 19 . Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife . 20 . I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction . 21 . This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 . 22 . My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it . 23 . He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore . __________________________________________________ ___________________ :-)	Sweep (90)
881708	2010-05-07 22:45:00	Awww man, that post was full of innuendos, Sweep :)	Renmoo (66)
881709	2010-05-07 22:49:00	That's the only thing that makes them funny. :-)	Sweep (90)
881710	2010-05-08 00:51:00	I think this may have been here before, but I think still worth posting again: Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"	johcar (6283)
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