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Thread ID: 109471 2010-05-09 22:39:00 Monday Laughs......Let's raise the moral tone with a little religious instruction.... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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883469 2010-05-09 22:39:00 Adam & God

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me . '

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley . '

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him . Then God said, 'cross the river . '

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'go over to the hill . . . . '

Adam said, 'what is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was .

He told Adam, 'on The other side of the hill you will find a cave . '

Adam said, 'what's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'in the cave you will find a woman . '

Adam said, 'what's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too . Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce . '

Adam said, 'how do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez . . . . . ' and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well .

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman .

Then, in about five minutes, he was back .

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'what is it now?'

And Adam said . . . .

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'What's a headache?'

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The Bible, Fully Explained .

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling . If you know the Bible even a little, this one will get you! It supposedly comes from a catholic elementary school test where kids were sitting a test about the old and new testaments, and for those with a catholic education, can you imagine a nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!




1 . In the first book of the bible, Guinessis . God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off .

2 . Adam and eve were created from an apple tree . Noah's wife was Joan of ark . Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears .

3 . Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night .

4 . The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals .

5 . Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah .

6 . Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles .

7 . Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .

8 . The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert . . Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments .

9 . The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple .

10 . The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery .

11 . Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol .

12 . The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him .

13 . David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar . He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times .

14 . Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines .

15 . When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta .

16 . When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager .

17 . Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption .

18 . St . John the blacksmith dumped water on his head .

19 . Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do unto you . He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone .

20 . It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance .

21 . The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels .

22 . The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles .

23 . One of the oppossums was St . Matthew who was also a taximan .

24 . St . Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige .

25 . Christians have only one spouse . This is called monotony .

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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better . '

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living . '

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill' said God .

'Not kill? We're not interested . '

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and thy Mother . '

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are . We're not interested . '

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal . '

'Not steal? We're not interested . '

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments . '

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery . '

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested . '

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free . '

'We'll take 10 . '

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something . We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent . '

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back . 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay . '

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Cohen climbs to the top of Mt . Sinai to get close enough to talk to God .

Looking up, he asks the Lord . . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute . "

Cohen asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny . "

Cohen asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute . "

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane . Paddy ordered a whiskey and the stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink .

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!"

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Q . What do a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness have in common?

A . Black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!



There, that should offend just about everybody . :devil

Cheers

Billy 8-{) ;) 		Billy T (70)
883470 2010-05-09 22:59:00 Brilliant Billy! Tears are still running down my cheeks. Richard (739)
883471 2010-05-09 23:10:00 Always look forward to these every monday nedkelly (9059)
883472 2010-05-09 23:30:00 :thanks

Makes Mondays that little bit better :D

Cheers Billy. 		Bozo (8540)
883473 2010-05-09 23:32:00 Thanks Billy! :lol: wratterus (105)
883474 2010-05-10 00:53:00 # 25! Love it! johcar (6283)
883475 2010-05-10 04:29:00 As always, a good laugh :lol:

Thanks Billy! 		WalOne (4202)
883476 2010-05-10 06:06:00 1964 - John Kemeny and Thomas Kurtz create BASIC, an unstructured programming language for non-computer scientists .

1965 - Kemeny and Kurtz go to 1964 .

. blogspot . com/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-mostly-wrong . html" target="_blank">james-iry . blogspot . com




. 		robsonde (120)
883477 2010-05-10 09:19:00 A drunk man who smelled of gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
__________________________________________________ ______
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies. Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning. Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed. Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall. Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning. Mother Superior, Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing. Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall. Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning. Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning. Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal. Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers! 		mikebartnz (21)
883478 2010-05-10 09:47:00 Priceless Mike! :thumbs:

Rather, that's priceless, Mike! (nudge from punctuation police) 		WalOne (4202)
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