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Thread ID: 150777	2022-07-07 01:57:00	More jokes	Neil F (14248)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1487245	2022-07-07 01:57:00	Who’d be a vet? Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation . She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart . However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds . She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate . Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice . After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs . I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw . " "Do you think that will work?" she asked . "Just worked for me," he replied ---------------------------------------- Little Johnny is in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon . The teacher decides to have a game for the kids to get them thinking . “Okay, class . Now I’m going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off,” says the teacher . “Who is credited with writing the phrase, ‘To be or not to be, that is the question…’?” asks the teacher . Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class calls out, “Shakespeare . ” “Well done!” says the teacher, “You can have Monday off . ” “No, thank you, Miss . I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,” says little Pham Lam Nguyen . “Well, okay,” says the teacher . “The next quote is, ‘I had a dream!’” Little Fri Sum Kat, also at the front, yells out, “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!” “Well done!” says the teacher . “You can have Monday off . ” “No, thanka you, Miss, I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school . Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard, too,” says little Fri Sum Kat . “Okay,” says the teacher . Then she hears a voice from the back of the classroom, “****ing immigrants!” “Who said that?” yells the teacher angrily . “Donald Trump!” yells little Johnny . “See ya’ Tuesday!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR US OLD BASTARDS #1 - Talk to yourself . There are times you need expert advice . #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit . #3 - You don't need anger management . You need people to stop pissing you off . #4 - Your people skills are just fine . It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work . #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down . I'll remember it . ” #6 - “On time” is when you get there . #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound . #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller . #9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you . #10 - Growing old should have taken longer . #11 - Aging has slowed you down, but hasn't shut you up . #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will . . and one more: “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house --------------------------------------------------------- Sardonic Season Wisdom As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake . I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand . Common sense is like deodorant . The people who need it the most never use it . My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days . I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there . It's not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects . As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation . Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore . . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again . " As 've gotten older, people think I've become lazy . The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient . If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban . Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff . I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently . I have new ideas . I'm on two diets . I wasn't getting enough food on one . I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes . My mind is like an internet browser . At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from . Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling . Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response . She says I keep pushing her buttons . If that were true, I would have found mute by now . So you've been eating hot dogs and McChicken's all your life, but you won't take the vaccine because you don't know what's in it . Are you kidding me? (Although we can choose to eat macca's) Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still a dumbass . There is no such thing as a grouchy old person . The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being truthful . HooRoo -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harry a lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home . But Harry was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house . When Harry mentioned that he had 12 children . No one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place . Harry couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie . We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie . So, Harry sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids . He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent . Harry loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked, _"How many children do you have?”_ He answered: _"Twelve . "_ The agent asked, _"Where are the others?"_ The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered _“They're in the cemetery with their mother!!!"_ *MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words . . . * *and this is how half truth is presented to us everyday by news channels . *	Neil F (14248)
1487246	2022-07-07 08:55:00	Diary Of An Englishman In Western Australia August 31 Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days; and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here. September 13 Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !! September 30 Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise ! October 10 The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected. October 15 Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this! October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat. October 25 - This wind is a bastard It feels like a giant blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from bloody Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here? November 4 Finally got the crappy air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Bastard. Thief. November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet and I smell like baked cat. ****ing place is the end of the Earth. November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my ****ing arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. ****. ****. ****. November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. ****! November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****ing hell-hole are the ****ing flies You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards! November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ing arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. ****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want to live here! December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kidding me!	Neil F (14248)
1487247	2022-07-08 10:41:00	I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T I asked him “Do you come from a LAN down under?” I just watched an Aussie cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised ... Usually Aussies boo meringue. Q: What do ya call a lazy baby kangaroo? A: A bloody pouch potato!	tutaenui (1724)
1487248	2022-07-09 09:09:00	I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T I asked him “Do you come from a LAN down under?” I just watched an Aussie cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised ... Usually Aussies boo meringue. Q: What do ya call a lazy baby kangaroo? A: A bloody pouch potato! Tutaenui ... these puns are absolutely horrible. Laughed my a*** off :lol::lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1487249	2022-07-09 09:11:00	Neil, Diary Of An Englishman In Western Australia ... A classic! :lol::lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1487250	2022-07-12 07:24:00	Poles Apart….. Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and work for Waka Kotahi reducing highways from 100km to 80km. Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1487251	2022-07-13 04:18:00	Poles Apart….. Never a truer word spoken.	paulw (1826)
1487252	2022-07-19 09:31:00	An old man, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old man didn't know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to the old man's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Will you please help me? Old man: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is petrol!" Old man: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Old man: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's petrol!" Old man: "Congratulations! You have your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Old man: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Old man: "Congratulations! You have your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of the story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old man.	Roscoe (6288)
1487253	2022-07-19 21:36:00	Diary Of An Englishman In Western Australia ! For a long time I'd see those shows where UK people moved to Spain or Aussie or such, to get away from their climate. Thinking they were mad. Now the news and sites are full of : www.boredpanda.com Yes. It sucks. Imagine Spain now, I bet there's a mad rush away from these places now.	piroska (17583)
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