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| Thread ID: 109644 | 2010-05-17 01:48:00 | Monday Laughs......Today's Special: Billy's Mixed Grin......... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 885582 | 2010-05-17 01:48:00 | The journey of a man: When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with nice boobs . When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with nice boobs, but there was no passion . So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life . In college I found a passionate girl, but she was too emotional . Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide . So I decided I needed a girl with stability . When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring . She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything . Life became very dull, so I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement . When I was 30, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her . She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything . She did mad impetuous things and made me more miserable than happy . She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless . So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition . When I turned 35, I finally found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground . So I married her . She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned . I am older and much wiser now . I am looking for a girl with nice boobs . . . . . ********************************* See the Wizard of Oz for that . . . So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow . Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads . . He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing . Anyway . . . this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother . He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads . I am tired of being so visible to predators and such . " The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow . He says to the Fairy Godmother: "Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!" To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys . You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that . " The toad thanks her and hops off on his way . There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods, and as luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother . He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears . None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off . " She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple . He says: "My willy is still purple!" She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that . " To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy . . . . . just follow the yellow dick toad!" ********************************* THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man . My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married . There was only one little thing bothering me . It was her beautiful younger sister . My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less . She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view . It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else . One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome . She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister . Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word . She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me . ' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs . I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door . I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car . Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test . We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter . Welcome to the family . ' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car . ********************************* Three Old Men at Breakfast Were Chatting . . . "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man . "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out . " "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old . "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more . You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all . " "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old . "No, I pee every morning at 6:00 . I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all . " "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 . " Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30 . So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00 . " ********************************* A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won at Lotto?" She says, "I'd take half, then leave you . " "Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 dollars, here's 6 bucks, - now F#@k off!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :) |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 885583 | 2010-05-17 02:36:00 | yellow dick toad haw haw thanks billy | Gobe1 (6290) | ||
| 885584 | 2010-05-17 03:09:00 | Thanks for brightening up a grey old day here in Chch Billy T. My wife liked the toad joke as well!:thanks:thumbs::lol::lol: |
KarameaDave (15222) | ||
| 885585 | 2010-05-17 04:13:00 | It's a tonic for Mondays, Billy T. You should call it Grin & Tonic :groan: Thanks! |
WalOne (4202) | ||
| 885586 | 2010-05-17 05:00:00 | lotto joke very good :D | GameJunkie (72) | ||
| 885587 | 2010-05-17 05:02:00 | We must stop cutting down trees . This is Getting Serious ! ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/trees . jpg" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Irish Millionaire . Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds . "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend . Everything is riding on this question . . . . . will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick . "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A - Sparrow B - Thrush C - Magpie D - Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue . " said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin . " Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him "F****** hell, Mick!" cried Paddy . "Dat's simple . . . . . . It's a cuckoo . " "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure . " Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer . " "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris . "Dat it is, Sir . " There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink . "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a f****in clock!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TO LATE MATE? The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the Paperwork admits that there is an error . "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified" . Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bid him farewell . On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat . "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope . "No problem" replied Tiger Woods . Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven" Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary" Tiger: "You're a day late . " |
wainuitech (129) | ||
| 885588 | 2010-05-17 07:23:00 | Can someone lend me 6 bucks .... PLEASE !!!!! :devil: | SP8's (9836) | ||
| 885589 | 2010-05-17 08:17:00 | Can someone lend me 6 bucks .... PLEASE !!!!! :devil: :lol: LL |
lakewoodlady (103) | ||
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