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Thread ID: 109999	2010-05-30 23:23:00	Monday Laughs......Can't classify this lot............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
889502	2010-05-30 23:23:00	Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time . She suggested I go down to the Seniors' Center and hang out with the guys . I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club . She said "are you nuts? You're almost 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" She said "are you sure about this?" so I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card . She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" So, I'm in deep trouble again and don't know what I'm going to do! I signed up for three jumps a week! My life as a senior citizen is just not getting any easier!!!!!!!!! . ********************************* In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi-story block of flats . A Nigerian family of six email con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire . An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire . Six Vietnamese ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died . Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished . One European couple lived on the top floor . They survived . Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious . They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief . On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, Vietnamese and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the European couple survived . The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work . " ********************************* Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing, so he asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a new hinge . Mary went to the local Bunnings branch and while she was waiting for the plumbing department supervisor to finish serving a customer, her eye was caught by a beautiful bathroom tap set . When the supervisor was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that gold tap set?" The supervisor replied, "That's a real gold plated tap set and the price is $500 . 00 . Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive set . It's certainly out of my price bracket . " She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy . The supervisor said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one . From the storeroom the supervisor yelled . "Hey sweetheart, do you wanna screw for this hinge?" Mary thought for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set . " This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings . . . . . . ********************************* If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius . (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995 . ) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever . " --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry . I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff . " --Mariah Carey . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills . If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life . " -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body . " --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country . " --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it . " --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental . " --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment . It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it . " --Al Gore, Vice President . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix . " -- Dan Quayle . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football . A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein . " --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate . We simply exclude certain types of people . " -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away . May God bless you . You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances . " --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas . " --Keppel Enderbery . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night . And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record . " --Mark S . Fowler, FCC Chairman . Feeling smarter yet? ********************************* Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them . Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers . " Emily said, "I know they do . " "That's why I hide them in my bag!" Insult of the Week He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own . - - - Margaret Halsey Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
889503	2010-05-31 00:28:00	You have excelled yourself this week Billy :D:D:thumbs: Ken	kenj (9738)
889504	2010-05-31 00:42:00	Fantastic :D Cheers Billy.	Bozo (8540)
889505	2010-05-31 01:06:00	:thumbs: Cheers Billy, always something to look forward to on Mondays.	WalOne (4202)
889506	2010-05-31 01:32:00	Sorry Billy, although I'm usually a fan the story about the Sydney fire was just not funny, and offensive as well.:(	Tony (4941)
889507	2010-05-31 01:36:00	Thanks Billy!:clap:clap	KarameaDave (15222)
889508	2010-05-31 02:35:00	awesome stuff billy	Gobe1 (6290)
889509	2010-05-31 02:48:00	Sorry Billy, although I'm usually a fan the story about the Sydney fire was just not funny, and offensive as well.:( Stop being so silly! That was the best one!:D Thanks Billy.	Roscoe (6288)
889510	2010-05-31 02:51:00	Stop being so silly! That was the best one!Not if you were one of the ethnic groups being stereotyped and maligned. I agree it is a fine line between just taking the p**s and going too far, but I think this one fell on the wrong side of the line.	Tony (4941)
889511	2010-05-31 02:53:00	Hilarious! :)	inphinity (7274)
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