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Thread ID: 110368	2010-06-14 02:59:00	Monday Laughs......Urgent notification of software development delays............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1110089	2010-06-14 02:59:00	Release of Woman V1 . 01rc Strikes Unexpected Delays As GOD Inc . made abundantly clear in the draft operator's manual 'Build Instructions, Beta Lifeform-Eden' (B . I . B . L . E), Woman is still undergoing V1 . 0 beta testing, so some minor flaws and programming conflicts are to be expected . Consequently the previously notified distribution of V1 . 01rc (release candidate 1 . 01) for full operational field testing has been delayed for the foreseeeable future . It appears that the original cloning from a basic ADAMS-RIB format proved to be less successful than hoped, but too much time and effort has been expended now to contemplate starting again from scratch with a shaped clay model . Erasing residual traces of present versions of Woman from the operating environment (all formats including Wife, Girlfriend, Mistress, Secretary, Platonic Relationship, Nubile Neighbour, Actress, Cheerleader, Swedish Masseuse, One Night Stand and in particular, Cougar or Mother in Law variants) might prove problematic as many of the applications have become closely linked with Man V1 . ** and rely heavily on shared resources . In addition, the present version does have some valuable attributes that a fresh 'ground-up' design team might overlook . Of course Man is now in full release-candidate V1 . 05r form, however during the latest field trials, residual programming conflicts continue to occur when used in conjunction with current Woman V1 . 0 installations . Disturbing reports have been received in relation to random failures of gas-release control systems, nocturnal noise factors, response speed to critical instruction sets, date awareness, memory leaks, fidelity response and general product reliability; therefore the promised version 1 . 05 . 0 with enhanced physical attributes and a ground-up personality code rewrite (to eliminate random resource leak issues) is unlikely to reach the market any time soon! The above problems, plus significant issues with ease of installation and uninstallation of both Man and Woman during reformatting of the operational environment mean that GOD Inc is unlikely to meet market expectations for delivery and product maturity . GOD INC . share values are suffering accordingly and numerous competitors have entered the market offering different GOD look-alike operating systems . Inexperienced users should be warned that some of these GLA systems are quite radical and do not follow orthodox or predictable programming systems . Random interference with normal operation can occur spontaneously and at any time . Though normally localised, such interference can be very destructive and serious cross-boundary incidents have been observed to occur without warning on remote systems . While easily installed alongside current systems, and sometimes appearing an attractive option at first sight, these alternatives should be approached with caution as there are radical differences in the programming of both Man and Woman that many users might find unacceptable . In particular, Woman's administrator rights are severely curtailed in some versions while Man's programming contains some rather radical elements that require quite the opposite approach to current behavioural protocols, and these factors can bring down otherwise stable system structures when such conflicts occur . God Inc . therefore advises the exercise of continued caution for the foreseeable future, and current Beta users of Woman V1 . 0 should think carefully before attempting to access any of the semi-autonomous close-contact development programs . Regrettably, and for the foreseeable future, in order to guarantee that desired outcomes are achieved, it may from time to time be found necessary to revert to using older analogue (manually operated) Man sub-systems to ensure satisfaction on anything like a regular or reliable basis . ********************************* Twins Two babies are sharing a room together in side by side cribs . "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" asks the first baby . "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling . "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby . "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply . "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out . " He carefully manoeuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets . After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face . "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly . "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell ?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, , , , , , , "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones . " So, what were you expecting? ********************************* A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American . She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too . Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks . There is, however, one exception . A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd . The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different . "Because I am not an American . " "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" . "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl . The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red . She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian . "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too . "The teacher is now really angry . "That's no reason," she says loudly . "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?" A pause, and a smile, then says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!" ********************************* A young engineer was leaving the office at 5 . 45 p . m . when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand . "Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here . Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer . He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button . "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy . " Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what s/he's doing . ********************************* A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village . A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them . "Not very long . " they answered in unison . "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families . "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives . In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . We have a full life . " The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day . You can then sell the extra fish you catch, and with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat . " "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers . Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant . You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise . " "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years . " replied the tourist . "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing . "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen . "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends . " "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now . So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans . And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life . . . . You may already be there . Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Insult of the Week He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously . - - - Oliver Goldsmith	Billy T (70)
1110090	2010-06-14 03:04:00	Cheers Billy - appreciated as always :)	Bozo (8540)
1110091	2010-06-14 05:22:00	For those that missed this one . . . . . . . . . . . On a recent trip to the U . S . A . Hone Harawira was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B . C . due to his experiences in handling the New Zealand Indigenous situation in New Zealand He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living . At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name – Walking Eagle . The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left . A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone . They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of ****, it can no longer fly .	Cicero (40)
1110092	2010-06-14 05:34:00	Loved all the jokes apart from the very first one. I just can't understand how someone would find that humorous. :confused:	Orca (3098)
1110093	2010-06-14 08:44:00	Are you Scottish?	R2x1 (4628)
1110094	2010-06-14 23:22:00	Are you Scottish? I think this is a Scot free area!	Cicero (40)
1110095	2010-06-15 04:55:00	Loved all the jokes apart from the very first one. I just can't understand how someone would find that humorous. :confused: Hmm.... I did, it was the computer theme that amused me, and I don't believe in Gods of any description so I guess you just had to be there to see the funny side. It took the mickey quite well in my opinion but I accept that others might not have appreciated some of the subtleties. Mrs T wouldn't for a start...............:devil Cheers Billy 8-{) :waughh:	Billy T (70)
1110096	2010-06-15 06:15:00	On checking in to his hotel room a newly repentant Shane Jones, in an effort to keep his “red-blooded male” and troughing habits in check, asks the concierge if the porn channel was disabled . To which the concierge retorts “no it’s just ordinary porn – you sicko”	Cicero (40)
1110097	2010-06-15 09:22:00	Scot free? Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker; Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"	R2x1 (4628)
1110098	2010-06-19 04:29:00	A bit late - sorry - but...... Dear Technical Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golf 3.6 were also affected I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... _____________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and can delete all bank account information!	tuiruru (12277)
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