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Thread ID: 110676	2010-06-27 22:04:00	Monday Laughs......Blondes, Lesbians, Scots, Cowboys and Irishmen....What a mix!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1113946	2010-06-27 22:04:00	Warning!! Those of a delicate disposition may be offended by one or more of these jokes, so if that sounds like you, go someplace else and think pure thoughts while the rest of us get on with it, there's nothing to see here.................. Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens... An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. After a short while she turned to him and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'Me, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm actually a lesbian. ********************************* A wedding took place in Ballygobackwards, just outside Dublin, Ireland and in keeping with best Irish tradition, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row. They began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in Court. The fighting continued in the courtroom until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence and order in the Court!" The courtroom finally goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and says, "Your honour, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at Ballygobackwards weddings that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay. Continue." "Well, said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I danced to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden - the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "Lord Thundering Jesus, that must have hurt!" "HURT?" Paddy replies, "HE BROKE THREE OF MY FINGERS !!!!!!" ********************************* Little Johnny ...............AGAIN !!!!!!! The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).. The teacher held her breath... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrush and toothpaste packs," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes and toothpaste!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough of those to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this dip is awful, it tastes just like dog shlt!" Then I would say, "It is dog shlt. Wanna buy a toothbrush pack?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth." ********************************* One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The Scotsman replied, "Think nothing of it, I'm glad to do it, and you'll really love my place". "The grass is more than a foot high!!" ********************************* A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And so the blonde entered Heaven... Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1113947	2010-06-27 23:08:00	That will stop Paddy picking his nose for a few weeks!! :o :D:D Good ones Billy!! Ken	kenj (9738)
1113948	2010-06-27 23:10:00	Old Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas with a group from the Senior Citizen Home couldn't seem to make it with any of the ladies . So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice . "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer . They're years outta style . Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em . I'm tellin' ya man . . . you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" " Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"	kenj (9738)
1113949	2010-06-28 01:24:00	@Billy T Love the swagman joke ! - that's worth remembering.	Digby (677)
1113950	2010-06-29 11:15:00	Forgot this week's insult, so here's a few for the Pommy Soccer Team: Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex. - - - Jackie Mason English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. - - - Fred Allen "Treadmill to Oblivion" I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. - - - Duncan Spaeth Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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