| Forum Home | ||||
| PC World Chat | ||||
| Thread ID: 147691 | 2019-03-10 00:15:00 | Monday Laughs - please contribute | Roscoe (6288) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1458882 | 2019-04-30 23:36:00 | An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, holly madison said, "i have my own reality show and i am the smartest and prettiest woman at playboy, so americans don't want me to die." she took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, john mccain , said, "i'm a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the united states of america." so he grabbed the second pack and jumped. The third passenger, Donald Trump said, "I am the president of the united states and i am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the anointed one." so he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out. The fourth passenger, billy graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "i have lived a full life and served my god the best i could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. "the little girl said, "that's okay, mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest president took my schoolbag ." |
wainuitech (129) | ||
| 1458883 | 2019-04-30 23:52:00 | A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? 'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.' He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
smithie 38 (6684) | ||
| 1458884 | 2019-05-01 04:51:00 | Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anon There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. - Anon I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat." |
piroska (17583) | ||
| 1458885 | 2019-05-07 09:07:00 | 1. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. 2. The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality. 3. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 4. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 1458886 | 2019-05-08 00:45:00 | Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anon I think this usually credited to the late great Terry Pratchett, of Discworld fame. | Tony (4941) | ||
| 1458887 | 2019-05-08 01:44:00 | A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years." |
smithie 38 (6684) | ||
| 1458888 | 2019-05-08 03:08:00 | Two dogs and a cat died and appeared at the pearly gates. St Peter turned to the first dog and asked "What have you done to deserve admittance to heaven?" The dog replied, "I am a St Bernard and have spent my live bringing succor and help to people lost in the snow." "Wonderful" said St Peter. "You have done well with your life and deserve to enter heaven. He threw open the gates and the St Bernard lumbered through to his bliss. Turning to the second dog, St Peter asked, "and what have you done with your life on earth?" The dog replied, "I am a German Shepherd and my life was spent as a police dog, saving little children and catching the baddies." "Well done," said St Peter. "In you go." And the Police dog bounded through to the big kennel in the sky. Turning to the cat, St Peter was about to ask the question when the cat interrupted. "You're sitting in MY chair!" |
Blue Druid (4480) | ||
| 1458889 | 2019-05-08 05:59:00 | A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss. The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?" The man says, “I’m probably too honest.” The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.” The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!” |
mrgrtt123 (17666) | ||
| 1458890 | 2019-05-11 08:18:00 | A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?" "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a Labor politician," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened!" |
B.M. (505) | ||
| 1458891 | 2019-05-14 09:51:00 | Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field. The wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris you’d be in Seine. |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | |||||