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Thread ID: 147691 2019-03-10 00:15:00 Monday Laughs - please contribute Roscoe (6288) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1458872 2019-04-12 00:06:00 www.newshub.co.nz

I want one

Ken :) You can only $21300 Buy now.

Great laugh, The comments on Trademe are classics :lol::lol:

The actual Auction trademe.nz 		wainuitech (129)
1458873 2019-04-14 00:01:00 9549 WalOne (4202)
1458874 2019-04-14 08:19:00 9549

But its a baguette holder 		gary67 (56)
1458875 2019-04-19 05:01:00 For all those married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!

Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.

Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:


'Good trade...' 		Lurking (218)
1458876 2019-04-19 05:12:00 A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Saskatchewan,
watched her playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her grandfather replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat.

“Well", she said, "that may be OK in B.C. but we're not having any of
that stuff in Saskatchewan ”. 		smithie 38 (6684)
1458877 2019-04-19 05:41:00 A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired . At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her . As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills .
"Mrs . Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night . "
"Mrs . Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that . But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks . And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night . "
You gotta love Grandmas!


A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby . The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us . " Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey . Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here . " A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid . Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam . The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk . ' The question was worth 70 points or none at all . One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child .
2) It provides immunity against several diseases .
3) It is always the right temperature .
4) It is inexpensive .
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa .
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck . Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it .
He got an A+ .


A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings .
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money . "
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes . "
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers . "


An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning . She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103 . She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be 		Neil F (14248)
1458878 2019-04-26 23:18:00 GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office .
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her .
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS' . . . ”

~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation .
As he was about to get the anaesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son .
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife . . . . "
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it . This is so true . I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old . "
~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for .
~~~~~~~~~~
Some people
try to turn back their odometers .
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way .
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved .
~~~~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of algebra .
~~~~~~~~~~
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young .
~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable .
~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names,
and then you forget faces .
Then you forget to pull up your zipper . . .
its worse when
you forget to pull it down .
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around- Wal-Mart
when they collide .
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that . I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going . "
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence .
I'm looking for my wife, too . . .
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate . "
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her . . .
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom . . . wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts .
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “doesn't matter,
andlet’s look for yours . "
(ADORABLE)
~~~~~~~~~~
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"


Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . .
Stick around awhile . . . it will! 		Lurking (218)
1458879 2019-04-27 22:58:00 9570

Oops ... STUFF stuffs up ... surely this headline about the flat earth society conference should be

"with speakers from across the globe" ... :)

:devil 		WalOne (4202)
1458880 2019-04-28 06:01:00 Before I was married, I used to spend hours sitting at the traffic lights because I had no one with me to tell me that the lights were green.

Ken :) 		kenj (9738)
1458881 2019-04-30 07:04:00 9570

Oops ... STUFF stuffs up ... surely this headline about the flat earth society conference should be

"with speakers from across the globe" ... :)

:devil

Nope, try "with speakers from across the disk" ... :)
;) 		R2x1 (4628)
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