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| Thread ID: 147691 | 2019-03-10 00:15:00 | Monday Laughs - please contribute | Roscoe (6288) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1458842 | 2019-03-20 03:45:00 | www.youtube.com Wouldn't mind one of these!!. |
Lurking (218) | ||
| 1458843 | 2019-03-20 04:34:00 | www.youtube.com Wouldn't mind one of these!!. LOL There's gonna be ructions when customs want to see what's in it. ;) |
R2x1 (4628) | ||
| 1458844 | 2019-03-20 08:10:00 | That was great, the girl was wonderful, and I'd really like a hand-reared chicken like that. | zqwerty (97) | ||
| 1458845 | 2019-03-20 08:53:00 | www.youtube.com Wouldn't mind one of these!!. :clap:clap:clap:clap:clap |
WalOne (4202) | ||
| 1458846 | 2019-03-20 09:07:00 | This guy should be declared a national treasure ... Wogers Wabitts (or whatever) from Tauranga: It is pest time of the year, when we are bombarded with all kinds of annoying, stinging, blood-sucking, tax-grabbing critters. If you have survived the jellyfish, stingrays, great whites, Taxcinda and mosquitoes, that only leaves the wasps. Here at RR headquarters, we have had more than our share of wasps to deal with. There’s a two stage answer to this problem. 1) Alcohol. 2) Petrol. 3) A lighted match. Alert readers will have noticed that there are actually three stages to the solution; stage one is the reason for this discrepancy. It’s important not to mix the stages while completing each one. Confused already? Us too. The first step in dealing with wasps is to get to know the enemy. Try to engage with each of them, learn their names, understand their viewpoint of the world, then waste the mothertruckers with any chemicals you can throw their way. It’s important to decide which politically correct method you are going to use in dealing with wasps. The Green method Put a sign outside the wasp nest, urging them to go away. Maybe organise a hikoi around the wasp nest, with a gender neutral approach, and sing kumbaya while sucking on a Turkish peace pipe. Tell the wasps they are welcome to stay as long as they wish and apologise for the naughty humans interfering with their traditional lifestyle. Ban something that might be unwaspish. The Labour approach Tax the wasps on arrival at the nest, leaving the nest and while flying: Air Tax. Tax them per sting they inflict on any other species, and double it for any human who is working at the time. Tax any insect wearing yellow and black. The NZ First theory Mock their accents, even though they are normal wasp accents, spend $3 billion finding them other work, claiming that 550 have found other work, despite the fact that only 55 have found other work. The National system Send in Judith Collins. The wasps die. Cold, alone and sorry. What we actually did may sound familiar. This method is based on an ancient recipe for making Christmas cake, but the principles are the same: Gather rum, petrol, anti-freeze, sunhats, Lynx Africa deodorant, drain pipe, Coldplay CD, ladder, towels, gloves, ice, mother’s favourite floor rug. Method: Take a sip of rum to check for nose, consistency and flavour. Put on a sunhat to prevent melanoma and sunstroke. Brief the crew. Identify hazards, opportunities, escape routes, easily impressed bystanders, discuss the cricket, joke about the hazards, sniff the petrol to make sure it’s still petrol. Check the rum again for consistency. Ready the petrol can. Read the label of the rum to check country of origin and residual sugar level. Remember a reggae tune that goes well with rum. Reposition the sunhat. Sniff the rum and sip the petrol. No, that can’t be right. Google ‘wasps’, but get distracted by Jennifer Aniston fan page posts. Position the ladder on tree up to the wasp nest. Discuss the rate of ice melt in the rum glass, and wonder if it’s related to the homeless polar bears in the Arctic. Climb the ladder with the petrol can and the drain pipe. Admire the view from the top of the ladder. Drop the drain pipe. Back down the ladder. Take a sip of rum while you’re on the ground, discuss the Jennifer Aniston situation and agree more research is required. Remind each other that we’re here to deal with the wasps. Sniff the rum and the petrol, close one eye and look down the drain pipe to see if there’s anything inside it. Check with the other eye. Discuss the point of having Coldplay CDs and decide there’s nowhere else for them. Climb the ladder again with the petrol and the drain pipe. Position the end of the drain pipe above the wasp nest. Get your mate to pass up the petrol can. Start pouring petrol down the pipe, making sure most of it falls over your mate, two rungs down. Get stung on every part of your body except the underarms, because even wasps have standards and won’t go near Lynx Africa. Back down the ladder, kicking over the rum on the way down. Sniff the petrol to see if there’s any left. Look down the pipe to see if there’s any in there. Check with the other eye. Pour copious amounts of petrol down the hole, until the ratio of litres per insect is about 1:1. Play the Coldplay CD and throw the old rug over the infestation. Any wasps that survive the fumes will hear the CD and die of exasperation. Go home and try to remember why you needed antifreeze, explain to your wife about the rug and tell her she’s more lovely than Jennifer and much more understanding. Follow up: Three months later, wonder what happened to the ladder? :) |
WalOne (4202) | ||
| 1458847 | 2019-03-21 06:22:00 | Yesterday my daughter ?? e-mailed me, again,asking why I didn't do something useful with my time . Like sitting around the BBQ and drinking beer isn't a good thing? Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation . She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas . So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her . I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club . She replied, "Are you nuts? You're *eighty odd years-old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her . Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club . " "Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" |
Lurking (218) | ||
| 1458848 | 2019-03-21 06:40:00 | 9457 | wainuitech (129) | ||
| 1458849 | 2019-03-22 00:02:00 | A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: ‘Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.’ "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he let go of the boulder, he noticed another note on it that read: ‘Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.’ In a panic, he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read: ‘Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.’ |
Lurking (218) | ||
| 1458850 | 2019-03-22 05:10:00 | Bradley Walsh on The Chase gave a quickfire joke tonight. The contestant was asked a question about Star Wars actor Peter Cushing. Bradley said as a throw away line after the question that "Peter Cushing had married Whoopi Goldberg after making the movie She was then known as Whoopi Cushing" |
kenj (9738) | ||
| 1458851 | 2019-03-22 19:41:00 | 9486 :eek: |
WalOne (4202) | ||
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