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Thread ID: 111405	2010-07-26 00:57:00	Monday Laughs........Blokes, Old ladies, Rabinem, Women, and Arabs.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1122363	2010-07-26 00:57:00	How to be a considerate husband: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger . When you notice this, try not to yell at them . Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman . My name is Wally . Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Kim . When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kim to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed . Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age . I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work . Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner . I don't yell at her . Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table . I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club and watch the lingerie show, so eating out is not a reasonable solution . I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door . She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating . But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner . I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves . I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed . I think another symptom of aging is complaining . For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour . But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, right? So I just smile and offer encouragement . I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days . That way she won't have to rush so much . I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean) . I like to think tact is one of my strong points . When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods . She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard . I try not to make a scene . I'm a fair man . I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while . And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too . I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kim . I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy . Many men will find it difficult . Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older . However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile . After all, we are put on this earth to help each other . Signed, Wally EDITOR'S NOTE: Wally died suddenly on May 27 of massive internal injuries . The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby . His wife Kim was arrested and charged with Wally's murder . The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Wally somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club while watching her demolish the garden wall in preparation for building him a practice putting green . ********************************* Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breath-takingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word . His buddies at the club are all green with envy! At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask . 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies . 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90 . ' ********************************* A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around . If he stopped, she stopped . Furthermore she kept staring at him . She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son . " He answered, "That's okay . " "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy . " She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum . " The little old lady waved and smiled back at him . Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries . "That comes to $121 . 85," said the clerk . "How come so much . I only bought 5 items . The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too . " Do not trust all little old ladies . ********************************* A popular young Rabbi announces to his congregation on Sabbath Eve that he will not renew his contract . He explains that he is having financial trouble keeping his family and must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more . There is a hush . No one wants him to leave . Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: 'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every year and his wife with a Toyota Previa to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds . Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the University education of all his children!!' More sighs and loud applause . Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence . The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs . Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and slowly shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help the family, and he said, 'F@#k the Rabbi!'" ********************************* A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life . She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband . At strategic moments she uncrosses and recrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says . . . "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile . "Thank God for that" he says . "I thought you were sitting on the cat" . ********************************* A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself . Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs . " Man: "Sorry to hear that . Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread . " ********************************* Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum . "If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable . Why don't you take it out?" "I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab . "It is permanently stuck in my bum . " "I do not understand," said the other . The first Arab says, "well, I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp . There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out . " "He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie . I can grant you one wish . ' I said, No shlt?!!" ********************************* I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline . Got a freakin' call centre in Afghanistan . I told them I was suicidal . They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1122364	2010-07-26 01:23:00	ahhh, it's Monday again and yet I can smile. Very nice thanks!!	tingle (6539)
1122365	2010-07-26 02:00:00	Great ones today Billy, Cheers!	wratterus (105)
1122366	2010-07-26 02:23:00	That last one is a classic ! Had me cracking up all on my own.	Digby (677)
1122367	2010-07-26 03:13:00	I said, No shlt?!!" :D:D Cheers Billy.	Bozo (8540)
1122368	2010-07-26 03:22:00	That last one is a classic ! Had me cracking up all on my own. Did that to me too, and still does every time I read it. And so tasteless and non-pc...............:D Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1122369	2010-07-27 09:15:00	COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.	Cicero (40)
1122370	2010-07-29 06:22:00	Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to theChildren of Israel “Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land" 40 years ago, Norm Kirk said “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land" Now John Key has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about this that I called Lifeline . Got a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal . They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck . . . .	Cicero (40)
1122371	2010-07-29 06:34:00	COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants . As any farmer knows - cows have trackable ear tags.	pctek (84)
1122372	2010-07-29 13:21:00	I was feeling depressed last night so I called Lifeline. My call was routed to call centre in Iraq. Told the bloke I was feeling suicidal. He got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.	roddy_boy (4115)
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