Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 111552	2010-08-01 23:01:00	Monday Laughs........Love and marriage.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1123828	2010-08-01 23:01:00	Marriage Guidance 1 - 10 Aphorism 1: Marriages are made in Heaven, but then again, so is thunder and lightning . Aphorism 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . Aphorism 3: Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least a 100 grand! Aphorism 4: Married life is very frustrating . In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens . In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens . In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen . Aphorism 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is . Aphorism 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one . Aphorism 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said . After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish . Aphorism 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, a wife who is understanding, a wife who is economical, and a wife who is a good cook . But the unfortunately the law allows only one wife . Aphorism 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry, which is why one treats the other like toxic waste . Aphorism 10: A man is incomplete until he is married . After that, he is finished . ********************************* A long married couple came upon a wishing well . . The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny . The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned . The husband was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said: "It really works!" ********************************* The Woman, the Frog, and the Three Wishes A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods . She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap . The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes . ' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes . Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay . ' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world . The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to' . The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman of all and he will have eyes only for me . ' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world . The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you . ' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine . ' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack . ' Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them . Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you . Stop here and continue feeling good . Male readers : Please scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife . Moral of the story: Women can be really dumb but think they're really smart . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show . PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen . . . . now run along and put the kettle on, there's a dear . ********************************* RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE 1 . Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship . She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays . 2 . We also sleep in separate beds . Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas . 3 . I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back . 4 . I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary . "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said . So I suggested the kitchen . 5 . We always hold hands when we are out . If I let go, she shops . 6 . She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker . She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair . 7 . My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor . I asked where the car was . She told me, "In the lake" . 8 . She got a mud pack and looked great for two days . Then the mud fell off . 9 . She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "You missed me, am I too late?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" . 10 . Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce . 11 . I married Miss Right . I just didn't know her first name was 'Always' . 12 . I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . I don't like to interrupt her . 13 . The last fight was my fault though . My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!" . ********************************* The Importance of Walking My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60, . . . . . . now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is . I like long walks, . . . . . . especially when they are taken by people who annoy me . I have to walk early in the morning, . . . . . . before my brain figures out what I'm doing . . I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks and haven't lost a pound, . . . . . . apparently you have to go there . If you are going to try cross-country skiing, . . . . . . . . . start with a small country . I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, . . . . . . just getting over the hill . My wife gets even more exercise than me . . . . . . Jumping to conclusions and flying off the handle! We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads, . . . . . . that's my story and I'm sticking to it . You could run this over to your friends, but just e-mail it to them . . . . . . it's less effort! ********************************* A couple had been married for 50 years . They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this same table having our first breakfast together . ' 'I know,' the old man said . 'And we were probably sitting here naked as a pair of jaybird fifty years ago too . ' 'Well,' Granny snickered . 'Let's relive some old times . ' Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table . 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathed sensually, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago . ' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps . 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal . Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car . She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker . . I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting . So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper . Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed . I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed . It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed . I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people . I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach . I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air . I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant . He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something . Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back . My grandson burst out laughing . Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me . I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed . So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection . I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared . So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away . Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma Cheers Billy 8-{) :wub	Billy T (70)
1123829	2010-08-01 23:29:00	Lovely Billy, Thanks. :thumbs:	Richard (739)
1123830	2010-08-02 00:32:00	In a similar vane All men marry Nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after a while the Nympo leaves and the Maniac stays !! Hehe HH	Happy Harry (321)
1123831	2010-08-02 02:14:00	Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car . She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker . . I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting . So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper . Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed . I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed . It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed . I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people . I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach . I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air . I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant . He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something . Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back . My grandson burst out laughing . Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me . I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed . So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection . I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared . So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away . Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma Cheers Billy 8-{) :wub I had tears in my eyes!	Cato (6936)
1123832	2010-08-02 02:33:00	Stay with me with this one . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MORAL DILEMMA This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's very important one . By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally . The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision . Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous . Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line . THE SITUATION: You are in Kaitaia . There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding . This is a flood of biblical proportions . You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster . The situation is nearly hopeless . You're trying to shoot career-making photos . There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water . Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury . THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water . He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris . You move closer . . . Somehow, the man looks familiar . . . You suddenly realise who it is . It's Hone Harawera . You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever . You have two options: 1 . You can save his life; or 2 . You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised men! THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer . . . Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white ?	Cicero (40)
1123833	2010-08-02 02:43:00	Cicero, I'd have to use colour film. After all he's coloured is he not?	Snorkbox (15764)
1123834	2010-08-02 02:49:00	great stuff Billy :D	GameJunkie (72)
1123835	2010-08-02 03:04:00	Cicero, I'd have to use colour film. After all he's coloured is he not? So true. Well answered Snorty.	Cicero (40)
1123836	2010-08-02 03:11:00	CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW . HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO . FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU . I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED . AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED . HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED . JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM . HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE . HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO . . DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!	Cicero (40)
1123837	2010-08-02 06:55:00	As a result of Billy's Love and Marriage title this week, we have kids - for better or worse..... Why We Love Children 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?' 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'' 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.' 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a ***** to iron.' 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?' 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.' 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?' 1 1. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get b**bs too.'	kenj (9738)
1 2