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Thread ID: 111720	2010-08-08 23:29:00	Monday Laughs........Cold weather, snow and a dirty joke.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1125869	2010-08-08 23:29:00	An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up. He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penls is frozen solid.' The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asked 'Have you ever heard of a penls, Mother?' Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!! ********************************* A woman goes alone on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a native Jamaican, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?' 'I can't tell you,' the Jamaican says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?' 'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the Jamaican. 'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says. 'Fine, my name is Snow!' the man replies, and the lady bursts into laughter. The man gets mad and says, 'I knew you would make fun of it'. The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name, I'm thinking of my husband, who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica. ********************************* Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together. His folks are a bit traditional so they don't really want to talk about the details of a single sex marriage. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies wearily, 'OK, now tell me what you think.' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... ...I gave him my model-airplane glue.' ********************************* Wiremu landed at Heathrow to follow the All Blacks tour and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm getting a second opinion eh!" The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. He was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have serious prostate problems mate". "What's the cure then doc eh?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Well, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls." "Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" ********************************* OK, next comes the dirty joke. I've been sitting on this one for years (freudian?), but now is time to let it rip. If you are of sensitive disposition, prudish, straight-laced, anal, a cleanliness freak, or have any other ring-tightening phobia(s), moral position, or still need Nanny in the night, READ NO FURTHER....GO SOMEPLACE ELSE AND SUCK YOUR THUMB :devil OK, so you couldn't resist it eh? Well don't complain to me or go wingeing to the Mods. You were warned! Still with me? OK, I assume that you are a consenting adult or are aged 5 or over............... An Anthology of Poos THE GHOST POO (Also known as the DEEP SEA DIVER) The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper but there's no poo in the bowl. THE CLEAN POO The kind where you feel poo come out, See poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper. THE WET POO You wipe your bottom fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND-WAVE POO This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more. THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO Also known as ‘Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo’. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN POO No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN-LOG POO The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to try to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the immovable skid-mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO The kind where you want to poo but even after straining until your haemorrhoids pop, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS POO Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out so fast that your cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID POO That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bottom, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD POO In a class all of its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you just have to show it to someone before flushing. THE GARDEN SPRINKLER This is similar to the Liquid Poo, but is almost colourless and sprays in random directions. Usually induced by the last stages of serious food poisoning, or certain medical procedures (see the Proctologist's Poo). THE MOOD ENHANCER This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL POO This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK POO This Poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is nasally affected. THE "HONEYMOON IS OVER" POO This is any poo created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal encouragement. THE FLOATER Characterised by its extraordinary buoyancy, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM POO This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO POO Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A poo that comes as a complete surprise by quietly slipping out during strenuous physical activities, at a time that is either inappropriate to poo, or you are nowhere near pooing facilities. THE LOOSE-CANNON POO Similar to the BOMBSHELL but can be even more devastating. This is the poo that appears without warning in the middle of a surreptitious fart and audibly ejects at high speed before you can react. Induces a duck-like waddle as you try to get to a toilet without smearing it all over yourself. Also known as the "Phooot Poo" from the characteristic sound made as it ejects. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny poo that has managed to coil itself into a frightening position. Usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC POO This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo. THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side doors of your vehicle. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often deemed a gift from God when you actually can’t poo. PREMEDITATED POO Laxative induced. Doesn't count. THE DISAPPOINTMENT POO You feel the poo coming on, it feels like a real biggie and the timing is just right! You choose your favourite magazine and postion yourself comfortably on the toilet, you open your magazine and get settled, you gently release your sphincter, then all that comes out is a monstrous fart. POOZOPHOBIA Fear of pooing. Can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO Also known as a "Still Going" poo. THE POWER-DUMP POO The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down, and you're done. THE SPINAL TAP POO The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got be coming out sideways. THE ‘I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BOTTOM’ POO Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poo. The size and shape of the poo resembles a tall beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards, creating a most curious feeling of discomfort. THE PORRIDGE POO The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE ‘I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER' POO When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum and gouges your sphincter on the way out in the morning. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO Also sometimes referred to as 'The Toxic Dump'. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air. Good at parties. And finally, THE PROCTOLOGIST POO! The artificially-induced clean-out that starts with an innocent looking suppository and combines the effects of the Groaner, Second Wave, Notorious Drinker, Power Dump, Snake Charmer, Porridge, Wet Cheeks, Liquid, and Garden Sprinkler Poos. Best we draw a veil over this one, it carries too many painful memories for those who have endured it. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1125870	2010-08-08 23:47:00	At the risk of further incurring the wrath to the mods (is that a Star Trek movie?), maintaining the scatological references: Poopaphobia (wiki.answers.com): the fear of pooping in your pants. (Disclaimer: "poop" is an American euphemism, which I dislike because it is so weak-sounding.)	johcar (6283)
1125871	2010-08-09 00:17:00	you know there is an iphone application for this... poop the world...	robsonde (120)
1125872	2010-08-09 21:34:00	A man watching a golf tournament on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex. "I don't know whether to watch them or the golf tournament," he said to his wife. "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play golf!"	R2x1 (4628)
1125873	2010-08-09 22:59:00	you know there is an iphone application for this... poop the world... Wouldn't that be an ipoo? Ken	kenj (9738)
1125874	2010-08-09 23:00:00	Well....it really rattled my dags Billy...that was a good one!! Ken :thumbs:	kenj (9738)
1125875	2010-08-10 01:33:00	That reminds me of an interview with the retiring custodian of the Victoria St underground toilets. He had been cleaning there for 40 years. He said.... " With all the druggies and poofters hanging around down here these days, it is like a breath of fresh air down here when someone comes in for a genuine cr*p" Ken :lol:	kenj (9738)
1125876	2010-08-10 02:13:00	Thanks Billy once again! :D And I looked up the link to Poopaphobia posted by Johcar. Almost as funny are the recommended sites / advertising from Google: Puppy Potty Train Outdoors Stop Inside Peeing & Pooping Fast Pants Up To 80% Off Designer Pants Need Help Potty Training? Free One-on-One Advice From a Potty Training Expert - 100% Guaranteed! Toddler potty training Make toilet training easier with tips and free advice from Kidspot.	WalOne (4202)
1125877	2010-08-11 00:10:00	Oh thank you so much again Billy T. I always enjoy your posts. Reading the "Anthology of Poos", I had to stop several times to literally wipe away the tears from laughing so hard. Going to copy and send that to all my friends that enjoy laughing at the funny side of life. Keep'em coming mate.	Nyuuji (5460)
1125878	2010-08-11 00:23:00	Brilliant Billy Thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
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