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Thread ID: 112074 2010-08-22 23:43:00 Monday Laughs........Fairy stories and the economy, what's the difference?....... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1130788 2010-08-22 23:43:00 Once upon a time, on a farm far far out in the country, there lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto o the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he took his gun and shot himself.

Next, the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow as well), so he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a beautiful fairy woman sitting on the bank. She said to him, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love to me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times he was simply unable to rise to the occasion again. So, the beautiful fairy woman drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The beautiful fairy woman said to him, "If you will make love to me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the beautiful fairy woman, so she drowned him in the river too.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his two brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. There he too met the beautiful fairy woman.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only make love to me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The beautiful fairy woman was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough already, okay? If you will make love to me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son said: "But wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

*********************************


The economy is so bad that I got sent a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a Kiwiburger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the Bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad 'Blue Chip' stocks are trading higher than Fonterra.

The economy is so bad Burgerfuel staff are ordering in Chinese for lunch.

The economy is so bad parents in Remuera fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a boatload of Kiwis was caught sneaking into Fiji.

The economy is so bad Graeme Hart took his stockbroker to lunch.

The economy is so bad Black Power is laying off judges.

*********************************


Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing....? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

*********************************


Girl: 'When we get married sweetheart, I want to share all your worries and troubles, to lighten your burden....'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

******************


Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's knees.'

******************


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning...'

******************


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

*********************************


New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.



The Alphabet Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention.

H High blood pressure -- We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!


P for prescriptions, we have quite a few, just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.

We've survived all the symptoms,

and our body's deployed,

keeping six doctors, fully employed.



IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.

IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!





Bit of a clean out today

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1130789 2010-08-22 23:53:00 Haha its not monday until you post your weekly Monday Laughs nedkelly (9059)
1130790 2010-08-23 00:18:00 Haha its not monday until you post your weekly Monday Laughs

+1 		johcar (6283)
1130791 2010-08-23 02:55:00 +1 goodiesguy (15316)
1130792 2010-08-23 06:37:00 Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb,"the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" 		Morgenmuffel (187)
1130793 2010-08-24 10:33:00 Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb," the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


Chromes incognito warning, people standing behind you comes into mind. suddenly heard some guy behind me crack up at this :p 		The Error Guy (14052)
1130794 2010-08-25 01:33:00 Two paddies were working for the city public works department . One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in . They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again .

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing . So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team . But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick . ' 		Cicero (40)
1130795 2010-08-25 01:42:00 My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy . I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife . Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn

Hotel . Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight .





When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter

on The dining room table:



My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old . I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old . As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college . I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,

who is also the assistant tennis coach . He is young, virile, and like

your secretary, is 18 years old . As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 . Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow .

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from . papercut . biz/emailStripper . htm" target="_blank">www . papercut . biz 		Cicero (40)
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