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Thread ID: 112254 2010-08-29 22:40:00 Monday Laughs........Lists and other numbered things......... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1132901 2010-08-29 22:40:00 Here are some one-liners from the late, great, Tommy Cooper . Yes, he was brilliant, master of the deadpan-delivery and not a swear word in sight . Often he couldn't help laughing afterwards though!



1 . Two blondes walk into a building . . . . . . . . . you'd think at least one of them would have seen it .


2 . Phone answering machine message - ' . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key . . . '


3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts .

The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts . '


4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any .

5 . I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf .

He said, 'no, the steaks are too high . '


6 . My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli . A strong currant pulled him in .


7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident . He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've amputated your arms' .


8 . I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle .


9 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly . They lit a fire in the craft to get warm . It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it


10 . Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands .

Police say that he topped himself .


11 . Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head .

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it . '


12 . 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome . '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual . '


13 . A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet . 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth . Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down . '

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'


14 . Guy goes into the doctor's .

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom . '

'How's that?'

'Don't you start . '


15 . Two elephants walk off a cliff . . . . . . . . . . . boom, boom!


16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh .


17 . So, I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it . '


18 . Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese .

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them .

It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin .


19 . Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round . '

The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'


20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks .

They charged one and let the other one off .


21 . 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today .

They left a little note on the windscreen . It said, 'Parking Fine . ' So that was nice . '


22 . A man walked into the doctors . He said, 'Doc, I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

*********************************


Some Questions and Adages for the over 60's:


Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find sexy and virile young men who are interested in them?

A: The best place to look is in a bookstore under fiction .


Q: What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you are done you will have a quiet place to live .


Q: Did you know that menopause is mentioned in the Bible?

A: Its true! It can be be found in Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt . . . '


Q: How can a woman increase the heart rate of her 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant . Also works for getting his attention during rugby games on TV .


Q: Want to know you can get rid of wrinkles, that terrible curse of the elderly, without resorting to surgery?

A: Take off your glasses .


Q: Seriously! What should an appearance-conscious woman do for crow's feet and all those wrinkles on her face and neck?

A: Go bra-less . . That should pull them out no trouble .


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car .


Q: Is it really true that 60+ year olds have problems with short-term memory storage?

A: It is a fallacy, storing memories is not a problem, retrieving them is the problem .


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon .


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads .


Q: What is the most common remark made by over-60's women when they enter antique shops?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these . Second most common? I've got one of those at home somewhere, I wonder where I put it?

*********************************


An 8 year old and a 6 year old are upstairs in their bedroom .


'You know what?' says the 8 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing . '

The 6 year old nods his head in approval, so the 8 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 6 year old, agrees with enthusiasm . .

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 8 year old what he wants for breakfast .

'Oh, shlt mum, I don't know, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out .

She looked at the 6 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f&$#king Coco Pops'

*********************************

A friend of mine just started his own business . He's manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats .

It's doing well he says . According to him, Prophets are going through the roof .

*********************************


How To Give A Cat A Pill . . . . .

1 . Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby . Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand . As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth . Allow cat to close mouth and swallow .

2 . Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa . Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process .

3 . Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away .

4 . Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand . Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger . Hold mouth shut for a count of ten .

5 . Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe . Call spouse from garden .

6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws . Ignore low growls emitted by cat . Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth . Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously .

7 . Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap . Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains . Carefully sweep shattered porcelain figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for photographing later for insurance claim .

8 . Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit . Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .

9 . Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away . Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap .

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed . Get another pill . Open another beer . Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing . Force mouth open with dessert spoon . Flick pill down throat with elastic band .

11 . Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges . Drink beer . Fetch bottle of scotch . Pour a shot, drink . Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot . Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect . Toss back another shot . Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom .

12 . Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from top of power pylon across the road . Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid flying cat . Take last pill from foil wrap .

13 . Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed . Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak . Be rough about it . Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down .

14 . Consume remainder of scotch . Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye . Call furniture shop on way home to order new table and call into local Hardware shop for new pruning gloves .

15 . Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters .


How To Give A Dog A Pill . . . . .

1 . Wrap it in bacon .

2 . Toss it in the air .


Or, for less effort:

Drop pill casually on floor then pretend to try to get it back before dog sees it .


That's what I like about dogs!!!


*********************************

And one especially for Metla, just to finish off . . . .


One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down . 'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver .

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy .

How about a bag of lollies and $10?' asked the driver .

'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster .

'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY DOLLARS, eh'? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy .

'No, I'm not getting in your fricken car so piss-off!' answered the boy .

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you $100 and a new skateboard', the driver offered .

'NO,' screamed the boy .

'So what will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh .

The boy yells back, 'Listen DAD, you bought the FORD, you live with it . '


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)


There but for the grace of God, goes God .
- - - Winston Churchill 		Billy T (70)
1132902 2010-08-29 23:15:00 ..........
'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you $100 and a new skateboard', the driver offered.
....
The boy yells back, 'Listen DAD, you bought the FORD, you live with it.'


My son was bribed like that once. One of his uncles bought a Mitsubishi GT and as he has no friends couldn't find anyone to show off to so he rung my son.
Come for a ride.
No.
Buy you some beer.
No.
Buy you some beer and give you $20.
No
Buy you some beer and give you $50.
No.
Beer and $80.
Ok.

He then drove at 100km in a 50km zone, my son never went again, not long after the uncle ran over a pedestrian on a pedestrian crossing, got several other driving charges to do with speeds etc and after he lost his license, sold the car.

Oh and he did ring his ex about the car too - she made that comment about certain cars and male member sizes so he gave up. 		pctek (84)
1132903 2010-08-30 04:13:00 Love the swearing one. Orca (3098)
1132904 2010-08-30 04:53:00 Made my Monday once again. CocoPops!!! ;) Richard (739)
1132905 2010-08-30 06:49:00 Felt a bit down today, but read the jokes and that gave me a lift!

Thanks, LL 		lakewoodlady (103)
1132906 2010-08-31 00:23:00 There I was sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-maker biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." “How’s your day been?”

"This has been the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting this morning and my boss fired me on the spot. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. Worse, I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home and I don’t have a receipt or any ID for the cab. Arriving home early I found my beautiful wife in bed with the gardener. And then, as I stumbled out the door, my dog bit me, as if I was some kind of stranger."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop the capsules in and sit here watching the poisons slowly dissolve. Then you, you jack-ass, show up and gulp down the whole f*****g thing! And you dare ask…..
I






But enough about me, how's your day going?" 		Cicero (40)
1132907 2010-08-31 03:18:00 I'm passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives .


By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace .
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started .


So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of botal Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits .
Yu haf no idr hou fkin gud I feal .
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis 		KiwiTT_NZ (233)
1132908 2010-08-31 03:58:00 Oh dear. Prozac and Valium together lol. Renmoo (66)
1132909 2010-09-04 06:58:00 Those Tommy Cooper ones are from the dvd "Tommy Cooper: Comedy Classics", i checked my dvd as it came in a 3 dvd set with eric sykes and benny hill and most of those tommy cooper jokes are on my dvd.

Great Jokes though :) 		goodiesguy (15316)
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