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Thread ID: 112432	2010-09-06 03:57:00	Monday Laughs........Taxes, Th' Oirish (again) some snippets, and a smart blonde ....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1135082	2010-09-06 03:57:00	TAX TIME A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes . The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions . " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc . and then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says . The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that . " The woman says, "OK then, I'm a high-end call girl" . "No, that still won't work . Try again . " They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer . " The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year . " "Chicken Farmer it is . " ******************************* Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn . When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more . The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . . . . . your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time . " Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder . " The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more . Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way . . . . . ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished . One day, he comes in and orders just two pints . All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent . When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss . " Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, me brodders is fine! Tis me . . . . . I've quit drinkin!" ***************************** A selection of thought provoking snippets . . . . . Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal . . . . Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1 . 5 Trillion disappear! ************ Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour . (Who volunteers for these tests?) ************ The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated . (From drinking little bottles of ???) (Did our government pay for this research??) ************ Butterflies taste with their feet . . . (Ah, geez . ) ************ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain . (I know some people like that . ) ************ Starfish don't have brains . (I know some people like that, too . ) ************ And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts (well, some species can) . . And I thought I had bad breath in the morning! Thank you all for reading this . ***************************** If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea . . . . . does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'? YOU, make it a great day! Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand over my mouth . Amen ***************************** She Was So Blonde . . . . - At the bottom of an application where it says 'sign here' she wrote "Sagittarius" . - She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept . - She sent a fax with a stamp on it . - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK" . - She tried to sort M&Ms alphabetically . - She sold her car for petrol money . - When she arrived at the airport and saw a sign that said, "airport left" she turned around and went home . - When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved house . - She thought if she spoke her mind, She'd be speechless . - She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evenings . ******************************* An attractive blonde from County Cork arrived at the casino . She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice . She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude' . With that she removed every piece of clothing, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed . . . 'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed . The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded . Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching . ' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks . Not all blondes are dumb . All men . . . . . . are men . Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Sorry about the delay folks, business called . . . . .	Billy T (70)
1135083	2010-09-06 04:43:00	If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? . To give us something to do of course.	pctek (84)
1135084	2010-09-08 23:00:00	Here's some more for you: A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied.* 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' --------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' --------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' --------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasbeen living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words thatwere used to put the curse on you..' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' --------------------------------------------------- A blonde callsthe Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly fromSan Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. --------------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion..' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' --------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.. 'Oops!' --------------------------------------------------- While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display ofbathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I hadeven considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. .................................................. .................................. The graveside service just barely finished,when there was massive clap of thunder,*followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' :D	WalOne (4202)
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