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Thread ID: 112582	2010-09-12 22:40:00	Monday Laughs........Religious themes, and a Test.......No Cheating!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1136713	2010-09-12 22:40:00	Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now." "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21." "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr." "Oh gracious me!" says the second mother. "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year." "Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says: "They blow up so fast these days, don't they?" ********************************* A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made, and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel with my ball still clutched in his paws, and flies off with him!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.... 'You missed the f@*#ing putt, didn't you?' ********************************* And God Created New Zealand ... God was missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, the archangel Michael found him resting. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God and I've put life on it! I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things. God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an island and said, "What's that one?" "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains, and there are no snakes or other dangerous animals. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..." God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia" he said. "Just wait till you see the environment, wildlife, and crazy people I put there." ********************************* Boobs vs. Willies A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but stout and reliable. But after his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration.' ********************************* The Giraffe Test Let's see how well you do.... There are four questions - big spaces in between for obvious reasons - so please, keep scrolling, you will know when you have come to the end!!!! 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator'? Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend ...... Except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there! This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got some correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old. You can use this to frustrate all of your 'smart' friends. Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1136714	2010-09-12 22:50:00	Boobs vs. Willies was gold thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1136715	2010-09-12 23:44:00	"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?" haha, Billy T	tut (12033)
1136716	2010-09-12 23:58:00	Oh dear. For the last one, my answers were; 1 & 2; Cut them into little pieces. 3; The queen. 4; Use the bridge.	ubergeek85 (131)
1136717	2010-09-13 02:01:00	How stupid is that. The test is wrong. You can't fit an elephant or giraffe in a refrigerator. The world's largest fridge is 90cm x 173cm x 84cm.	Orca (3098)
1136718	2010-09-13 03:55:00	How stupid is that. The test is wrong. You can't fit an elephant or giraffe in a refrigerator. The world's largest fridge is 90cm x 173cm x 84cm. It was a very, very, very small elephant, about twice the size of a pedant's brain, and an even smaller giraffe, about a tenth of the size of the elephant, or about same size as your dangly bits. Cheers Billy 8-{) Sheesh!! :stare:	Billy T (70)
1136719	2010-09-13 04:08:00	It was a very, very, very small elephant, about twice the size of a pedant's brain, and an even smaller giraffe, about a tenth of the size of the elephant, or about same size as your dangly bits. Cheers Billy 8-{) Sheesh!! :stare: Ok but the test doesn't mention miniature giraffes and elephants nor does it mention industrial room sized fridges so people correctly assume average sized animal and average sized fridge. Why would they assume outliers? Also the answer is "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door." Yeah right, like you can just pick a 1.2 tonne giraffe up and put it in the fridge. :rolleyes:	Orca (3098)
1136720	2010-09-13 04:51:00	Ok but the test doesn't mention miniature giraffes and elephants nor does it mention industrial room sized fridges so people correctly assume average sized animal and average sized fridge. Why would they assume outliers? Also the answer is "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door." Yeah right, like you can just pick a 1.2 tonne giraffe up and put it in the fridge. :rolleyes: Doesn't say they weren't embryos either. For chrissake get a life, it's a joke, not stump the brains trust. The good news is, you failed the test with great distinction, and this elevates you to the exalted status of Billy's Supreme Award for Demonstrated Dorkdom. Congratulations on your success, and you now get a Voucher entitling you to sit on a railway crossing or in the middle or outside lane of a motorway of your choice for 24 hours wearing earmuffs and a blindfold and if you can count more than 10 trains or 75 truck and trailer units you win a no expenses paid one-way trip to Alice Springs, Australia. Cheers Billy 8-{) :waughh:	Billy T (70)
1136721	2010-09-13 05:00:00	Congratulations on your success, and you now get a Voucher entitling you to sit on a railway crossing or in the middle or outside lane of a motorway of your choice for 24 hours wearing earmuffs and a blindfold Is there a time limit on when I can claim it?	bob_doe_nz (92)
1136722	2010-09-13 05:02:00	And then there was the one about: An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour's dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was on 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. However, as she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem, the vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****" "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?" "Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!!!!"	B.M. (505)
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