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Thread ID: 112731	2010-09-20 03:53:00	Monday Laughs........Hi Ho the Pope's in Oz, an Irish Hooker..and a Schnauzer.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1138435	2010-09-20 03:53:00	THE Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads in the pack. "Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Rome?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Rome. "This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting..... "Grumpy shagged a penguin!" "Grumpy shagged a penguin!" ********************************* A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "OK. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10 AM - and plan on starting at 10 every day." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me here until 10 AM?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." ********************************* The Irish hooker An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars, she whispers. Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers, sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neither did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shined dat bloody light in her face!!! ********************************* Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn. He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off. "Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick. "It's not what you tink" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of them counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor". ********************************* My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month. The lady goes to the local Pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The pharmacist says: "Well, in that case you'd better stay off your bicycle for a week." ********************************* The Three Bears A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?" It was Mummy Bear who got up first. Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...." I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!! ********************************* Murder committed at Woolworths So, here's the story. Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store where he surprised her in the Produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor........the manager of the Produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Produce manager as well. However, unknown to him the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .... (You're going to hate this ... ) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: Welcome to afternoon T PS 'Pope's in Oz' was to see how many of you are awake this late in the afternoon:D	Billy T (70)
1138436	2010-09-20 04:04:00	Ahhh....! Now I know it's Monday!! Thanks Billy...	johcar (6283)
1138437	2010-09-20 04:11:00	Had me LOLing as per usual billy, on this particularly nasty monday wrestling with bad drivers. Cheers!	ubergeek85 (131)
1138438	2010-09-20 04:14:00	hahahahaaaa last one is great (actually they all were) Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1138439	2010-09-20 05:18:00	Yep, now I know its Monday. Thank Billy T	tut (12033)
1138440	2010-09-20 08:01:00	It's Monday more jokes Thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1138441	2010-09-20 08:05:00	Another great collection - thanks Billy :thumbs:.	Erayd (23)
1138442	2010-09-20 08:20:00	: )	somebody (208)
1138443	2010-09-20 20:46:00	Joke:	pctek (84)
1138444	2010-09-21 08:58:00	The Giraffe Test Let's see how well you do . . . . There are four questions - big spaces in between for obvious reasons - so please, keep scrolling, you will know when you have come to the end! 1 . How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down . The correct answer is: You can't because it's too big . This question tests your memory and whether you believe everything that's written on the internet . Just because the "correct" answer in the original test was "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door" doesn't mean it's actually the correct answer in this quiz . You'll also see 'warehouse sized refridgerator' was not mentioned so you shouldn't have assumed that it was this . 2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door . '? Wrong answer McFly . Correct answer: You can't do it either . You couldn't even get the giraffe in so how the hell can you get the largest land animal on earth in? Do you know the average mass of an elephant is 10 times that of a giraffe? Also their brain is 3x bigger, they have huge tusks and they aren't stupid . This tests your ability to think rationally about the questions being asked of you . 3 . The Lion King is hosting an animal conference . All the animals attend . . . Except two . Which animals do not attend? Correct answer: The Hyenas . If you watched the movie you'd know the hyenas don't like the Lion King . Also you actually got mauled by the elephant for trying to put it in the refrigerator . You are so dumb . The elephant and the giraffe escaped and trotted off to the conference, meanwhile the hyenas are feasting on your rotting flesh . This tests your memory of the Lion King and the consequences of your previous actions . Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to prove you're not a complete retard . 4 . You must cross the Amazon river but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat . How do you manage it? Did you say, 'You jump into the river and swim across . '? Wrong answer again . Think McFly, think! Just because all the crocodiles are at the animal conference in Africa doesn't mean the flesh eating piranhas, anacondas and caiman from the Amazon river in South America made it all the way to Africa as well . Don't forget the river is 48KM wide because it's the wet season . Swimming across is just asking for trouble . Correct answer: You can't cross the river yourself, you're still dead and most of your body now exists inside two hyenas . For the people carrying what's left of your remains to get across the river to the burial site, their best option would be to put you in a helicopter and fly you across or borrow a boat from a nearby village . This question tests whether you've remembered anything from the previous questions and demonstrates the somber consequences of poor decision making . According to Artemis Global Consulting, around 100% of the people they tested got all questions wrong . Artemis Consulting says this conclusively proves that any test can be made to make anyone fail . You can use this to mock 'smart' people who invented and distributed the original "joke" test .	Orca (3098)
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