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Thread ID: 113061	2010-10-03 22:17:00	Monday Laughs......Pithy Quotes, little Johnny (again) and another Blonde..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1141389	2010-10-03 22:17:00	Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin' . . . - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen . I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement . . . - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible . . . - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea . Visit people only once a year . . . - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books . You may die of a misprint . . . - Mark Twain By all means, marry . If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher . . . - Socrates I was married by a judge . I should have asked for a jury . . . - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight defect in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe . . . - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back . . . - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat . . . - Alex Levine My luck is so bad, if I bought a graveyard, people would stop dying . . . - Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery . . . - Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shutup' . . . - Joe Namath I don't feel old . I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap . . . - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it . . . - W . C . Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress . . . - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation . As you grow older, it will avoid you . . . - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out . . . - Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere . . . - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out . ********************************* I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite . I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth . I tried this a few more times with no success . All the while Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything . She opened the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail . ' I turned with a confused look on my face and said: 'Make up your mind! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite . ' ********************************* First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class involving a real dead cow . They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet . The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body . For example . . . " he said, as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth . "Go ahead and do as I did," he told his students . The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it . When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation . I inserted in my middle finger into the cow's rectum, then sucked on my index finger . " "Now learn to pay attention . Life's tough as it is, but it's even tougher if you're stupid . " ********************************* During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee . " The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite . What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom . I'll be right back . " "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table . And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Little Johhny replied: "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner . " ********************************* A man entered a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde . The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets . Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "it's golf balls . " Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said . After several minutes, and not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked - "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1141390	2010-10-03 23:02:00	Yay jokes time. Great jokes as always	nedkelly (9059)
1141391	2010-10-03 23:18:00	Well done again Billy T	mikebartnz (21)
1141392	2010-10-03 23:39:00	Hahaha brilliant Cheers Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1141393	2010-10-04 06:45:00	It's Monday not the best day of the week but made so much better by Billy T, I guess Mrs T is fully recovered then?	gary67 (56)
1141394	2010-10-04 09:04:00	It's Monday not the best day of the week but made so much better by Billy T, I guess Mrs T is fully recovered then? Umm . . . . It was pretty major surgery but she's up and about . We saw the surgeon last Thursday and all's well but there's still bruising and minor bleeding and she gets very tired by early evening . However, trying to keep Mrs T from working is a bit like getting Attila the Hun to stop raping and pillaging . Saying "please don't do that" doesn't get you much traction . She won't be back at work for another two or three weeks yet, but now that she's mobile I'm able to work fairly consistently again, apart from my computer issues :mad: but I have to keep a close eye on her! If things go quiet, I have to check that she's not skedaddled into the garden etc when I'm not looking . I caught her with a basket of laundry on the weekend!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :wub	Billy T (70)
1141395	2010-10-04 09:38:00	Pleased she is up and about again. :) When I was working for my mate Attila he always had to keep on reminding us to Pillage before we Burn.	Snorkbox (15764)
1141396	2010-10-07 22:40:00	Tommy Cooper . . . . . . . . . . . Subject: Bring Tommy Cooper back 1 . Two blondes walk into a building . . . . . . . you'd think at least one of them would have seen it . 2 . Phone answering machine message - ' . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key . . . ' 3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts . The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts . ' 4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any . 5 . I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf . He said, 'No, the steaks are too high . ' 6 . My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli . A strong currant pulled him in . 8 . I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle . 9 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly . They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it . 10 . Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands . Police say that he topped himself . 11 . Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head . Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it . ' 12 . 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' . 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome . ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual . ' 13 . A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet . 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' . So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth . Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down . ' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy' . 14 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh . 15 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it . . ' 16 . Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese . There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them . It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu . But I think it's Colin . 17 . Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round . ' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!' 18 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks . They charged one and let the other one off . 19 . 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today . They left a little note on the windscreen . It said, 'Parking Fine . ' So that was nice . ' 20 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' . The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore! 21 . Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery . Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night .	Cicero (40)
1141397	2010-10-07 22:54:00	Very funny, Tommy Cooper was an amusing man, thanks Cicero.	zqwerty (97)
1141398	2010-10-07 23:07:00	Little Johhny replied: "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." I lol'd, hard. Was well in need of it too, as I had just been rung by work two minutes prior. The one day I had asked off next week, for a long-overdue appointment (three weeks!), I'm now working... grrrr...:mad:	ubergeek85 (131)
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