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Thread ID: 113549	2010-10-25 08:33:00	Monday Laughs......Evening edition..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1147543	2010-10-25 08:33:00	ZEN TEACHINGS 1 . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead . Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow . Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow . . In fact, just plss off and leave me alone . 2 . Sex is like air . It's not that important unless you aren't getting any . 3 . No one is listening until you fart . 4 . Always remember you're unique . Just like everyone else . 5 . Never test the depth of the water with both feet . 6 . If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments . 7 . Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes . That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes . 8 . . If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you . 9 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 10 . If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it . 11 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything . ********************************* Why Sharks circle you before attacking: Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship . "Follow me, son . " the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people . "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing . " And they did . "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing . " And they did . "Now we eat everybody . " And they did . When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His father replied, "Because they taste better without all the shlt inside!" ********************************* Why Condoms Come In Packages of 3, 6, and 12! A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son . They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,son . Men use them to have safe sex . '' "Oh, I see," replied the boy . "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school . " He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday . " "Cool", says the boy . He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men", the Dad answers, "two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday . " "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 Pack . With a sigh and a tear in his eye, his dad replied, "Those are for Married men son, one for January, one for February, one for March, one for April . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " ********************************* Driving A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car . His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut . Then we'll talk about the car . ' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it . After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut . The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair . . . and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair . ' His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went? ********************************* Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up . ' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome . ' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer . Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'So, what do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply . 'You're joking!' was the response . 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight . . . 'Here are my tools . ' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here . ' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house . 'Yeah, I can see my house all right . This sight is fantastic . I can see right in the window . ' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom . Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . . . . . . WHAT THE!!!! . . . . . . . . . He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger . ' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth . ' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson . ' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes . 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently . 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here . . . . . . . ' ********************************* Heaven or Hell? While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies . The Senator's soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St . Peter at the entrance . "Welcome to Heaven," says St . Peter . "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem . We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you . " "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator . St . Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up . What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven . Then you can choose where to spend eternity . " "Really, I've made up my mind . I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator . "I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St . Peter . And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell . The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course . In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him . Everyone is very happy and in evening dress . They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people . They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne . Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes . They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go . Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises . . . The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St . Peter is waiting for him . "Now it's time to visit Heaven," St Peter says . So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing . They have a good time and the 24 hours in Heaven passes by and St Peter returns . "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven . Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks . The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier and better off . . in Hell . " So St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell . Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage . He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above . The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder . "I don't understand," stammers the Senator . "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time . Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable . What happened?" The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning . Today . . . . . You voted . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1147544	2010-10-25 09:46:00	o_O I forgot today was Monday. Good ones as usual Billy.	roddy_boy (4115)
1147545	2010-10-25 10:23:00	Good stuff billy!	ubergeek85 (131)
1147546	2010-10-25 10:51:00	Some good ones there. Thanks for making me laugh.	tut (12033)
1147547	2010-10-25 18:25:00	'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.......' Totally did not see that coming, Billy :D :) :thumbs: (Pun not intended)	Renmoo (66)
1147548	2010-10-25 19:19:00	:lol: :lol: :lol:	Chilling_Silence (9)
1147549	2010-10-25 19:28:00	Loved the Zen Teachings.:D :thanksThanks so much for your efforts, Billy. Mondays would not be the same without your collection of funnies.:thumbs:	Roscoe (6288)
1147550	2010-10-25 20:03:00	Liked the driving one have sent it on to my step son he, he	gary67 (56)
1147551	2010-10-25 20:07:00	Totally did not see that coming, Billy :D :) :thumbs: Subtle, but effective. Just supply imagination, paste in imagery, stir briefly, add seasoning or dressing to taste, two minutes in a warm oven.......Enjoy. Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
1147552	2010-10-26 01:28:00	Totally did not see that coming, Billy :D :) :thumbs: (Pun not intended) Agreed my favourite Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
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