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Thread ID: 113870	2010-11-07 20:51:00	Monday Laughs........Parenthood.....Hollywood Squares..... & a Cow of a Joke......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1150969	2010-11-07 20:51:00	The parents of 8-year old Eddie found that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their inquisitive child in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities . Eddie began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted . 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out . 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few minutes he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!! ********************************* On the Supermarket PA system: 'Emergency team to Aisle 25, we have a husband down . ' A husband and wife are shopping in their local Foodtown . The husband picks up a 12 can pack of Steinlager and puts it in their cart . 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife . 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies . 'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping . A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket . What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband . 'It’s my face cream . . . It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife . Her husband retorts: 'So does 12 cans of Steinlager and it's half the price . ' ********************************* Hollywood Squares . . . . . . . . . . . . . Great old Almost-Clean Humour on TV These questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they later were . The Host asking the questions was Peter Marshall . . . . . . . Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A . Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed long and hard!) Q . Do female frogs croak? A . Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough . Q . If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A . Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it . Q . True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years . . . A . George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes . Q . You've been having trouble going to sleep . Are you probably a man or a woman? A . Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake . Q . According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A . . . Rose Marie: No, wait until morning . Q . Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A . Charley Weaver: My sense of decency . . . Q . In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A . Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty . . . Q . What are 'Do It', 'I Can Help', and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A . George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment . Q . As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A . Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget . Q . Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A . Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily . Q . Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries . Are you going to get any during the first year? A . Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries . Q . In bowling, what's a perfect score? A . Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy . Q . It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps . . . One is politics, what is the other? A . Paul Lynde: Tape measures . . . Q . During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A . Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom . Q . Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A . Marty Allen: Only after lights out . Q . When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail . What will a goose do? A . Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q . If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A . Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark . . . Q . According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A . Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army . Q . It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A . Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected . Q . Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A . George Gobel: Get it in his mouth . Q . Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A . Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q . When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A . Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him . . . Q . Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions . What are they? A . Charley Weaver: His feet . Q . According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A . Paul Lynde: Point and laugh You can't wait for inspiration . You have to go after it with a club . - Jack London ********************************* Seamus & Bessie . . . An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was suing the lorry company . In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus . . Solicitor: 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' Seamus: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened . I had just loaded my favourite cow Bessie into the . . . ' Solicitor: 'I didn't ask for any details, just answer the question . Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?' Seamus: 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road . . . . . ' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine . Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client . I believe he is a fraud . Please tell him to simply answer the question . ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie' . Seamus thanked the Judge, turned back to the Solicitor and proceeded: 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side . I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other . I was hurt very bad like and didn't want to move . However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning . I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans . Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motorbike turned up . He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her . After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes . Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said 'How badly are you hurt?' 'Now what the Fook would you have said'? 28 Jokes for one Monday, must be some kid of record here? :clap Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1150970	2010-11-07 21:10:00	And a brilliant and funny record it was too! Thanks mate.	Richard (739)
1150971	2010-11-07 21:28:00	Now what the Fook would you have said haw haw awesome ones today thanks BIlly	Gobe1 (6290)
1150972	2010-11-07 21:34:00	Awesome Billy and being home I get to read them earlier	gary67 (56)
1150973	2010-11-08 02:39:00	********************************* On the Supermarket PA system: 'Emergency team to Aisle 25, we have a husband down . ' A husband and wife are shopping in their local Foodtown . The husband picks up a 12 can pack of Steinlager and puts it in their cart . ' What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife . 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies . 'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping . A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket . What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband . 'It’s my face cream . . . It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife . Her husband retorts: 'So does 12 cans of Steinlager and it's half the price . ' ********************************* Reminds me of . imagef1 . net . nz/files/collegehumor . cef6a349301da8bb16015ee918e1b7ae . jpg" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz	SKT174 (1319)
1150974	2010-11-08 04:13:00	A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of c-ndoms: red, blue, ribbed, flavored; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these cond*ms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"	wotz (335)
1150975	2010-11-08 09:33:00	c-ndoms? cond*ms? Come on mate, we're all grown ups here.	roddy_boy (4115)
1150976	2010-11-08 09:41:00	c-ndoms? cond*ms? Come on mate, we're all grown ups here. Wrong.	Snorkbox (15764)
1150977	2010-11-09 07:11:00	A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing ? - It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun ! - And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ? - It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body ! - And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ? - These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert ! - Tell me, papa... - Yes, my son ? - Why are we living in BRISBANE and still wearing all this SH*T ?	KenESmith (6287)
1150978	2010-11-09 18:15:00	An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, John Key, New Zealands Prime Minister said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, " I am sure New Zealanders will re-elect National no matter if I am their leader or not......... so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute". The little girl said; "That's okay, Mr. Prime Minister. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."	Cicero (40)
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