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Thread ID: 114178	2010-11-21 09:29:00	Monday Laughs.....Following 'The Late Show'....Welcome to the Early-Bird Special.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1155036	2010-11-21 09:29:00	When 100, if Grandad or Grandma is leaning a little, let them!! The family wheeled Grandma in her wheelchair out on the lawn where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well any more, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, ........so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side to help her sit upright. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members grabbed her yet again, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ...'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the Nephew...... Bastards won't let me fart! ******************************** A Jewish Beach Story...... A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?? The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?" ******************************** An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan." ******************************** Little Johhny strikes again! An Aussie Communication/IT teacher goes round her class asking each of the kids what they need at home. First kid says: "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful". Second child says "A new car" and gets a similar answer. Finally she asks little Johnny who answers "At my house we don't need anything." The teacher asks him to think carefully as everyone needs something. Johnny replies "No I'm sure, because when my sister started going out with an Aboriginal I remember my dad saying ... Well that's all we f#@*ing need!" ********************************* All the women will love this one... While the USAF C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crew member gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.' An old Master Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the Captain a woman?' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the Captain a woman?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'in fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it The Cockpit' 'It's now called The Box Office.' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1155037	2010-11-21 09:34:00	It's Sunday isn't it? I'm As Confused As a Fat Kid with a Salad.	xyz823 (13649)
1155038	2010-11-21 10:36:00	That first joke is priceless! the second one is great too!, in fact....all of them were great!!! AWESOME POST!	goodiesguy (15316)
1155039	2010-11-21 11:14:00	Billy, you never fail to impress! Thanks.	ubergeek85 (131)
1155040	2010-11-21 19:27:00	It's Sunday isn't it? I'm As Confused As a Fat Kid with a Salad. It was Monday when I first read this :p	pcuser42 (130)
1155041	2010-11-21 19:30:00	I'm ready to face the week now thanks as usual Billy	gary67 (56)
1155042	2010-11-21 19:45:00	love them johnny jokes Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1155043	2010-11-21 22:11:00	Great as always Billy, a Little Johnny best of at some stage would be awesome. :D	wratterus (105)
1155044	2010-11-21 23:38:00	Cheers :P	nerd (109)
1155045	2010-11-22 08:57:00	HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India , formerly known as Australia . Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language . Children from 2 parent hetrosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different' . Tolerance urged . Gay Marriages now overtake hetrosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice . Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock . Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school . Sharia law must be enforced . Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed . Australian Government tells the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat . Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness . Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think . Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising . Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time . Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success . Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): We'll show Congress who is Too big to fail says CEO . Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch . Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped . Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels . France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries . . . . No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking . Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052 . Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only . After a 10-year, $75 . 8 billion study: Scientists prove Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss . Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs . Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India . Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut . Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays . Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights . Victims to be held partly responsible for crime . Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches . New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2052 as lethal weapons . Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent . Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18 Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines . I Love This Country! . . . . . . . . __________________________________________________ ______	KenESmith (6287)
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