Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 114332	2010-11-28 20:13:00	Monday Laughs.....Old Folk, and a royal wedding (we try to be topical occasionally)..	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1157153	2010-11-28 20:13:00	Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing . One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do . " The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver . " After a few quiet thoughtful minutes, the first old lady asks, "So who drives you to the beach?" ******************************** An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind . A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam . I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat . " "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest . The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!" ******************************** Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing . The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny . The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece . The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about . " ******************************** Two elderly women were out driving in a large car . Both could barely see over the dashboard . As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection . As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through . The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light . " After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through . This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things . She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it . She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shlt . . ! Am I driving . . ?" ******************************** A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra . Her grandmother threw an absolute fit, telling her not to dare go out looking like that! 'Loosen up Grams' the teenager replied . 'These are modern times and you gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she went . The next day the teenager came down stairs and saw her grandmother sitting there with no top on . The teenager just wanted to die . She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and they'd be horrified to see her like that, and that it was simply not appropriate . . . . The grandmother said to her, 'Loosen up, Sweetie . If modern times say you can show off your rose buds, then modern times say I can display my hanging baskets . ******************************** A new pair of shoes Camilla bought for her wedding became increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on . That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room . Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove one's shoes darling . One's feet are killing one . ' Ever obedient, Charles attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge . 'Harder' yelled Camilla . 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried . Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good . ' In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See? I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god darling, this one's even tighter' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy Liz, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1157154	2010-11-28 20:36:00	Priceless this week Billy! Cheers! Loved the Red Light Joke!	lordnoddy (3645)
1157155	2010-11-28 22:03:00	As funny as ever now I know it's Monday	gary67 (56)
1157156	2010-11-28 22:28:00	Sharks	johcar (6283)
1157157	2010-11-28 23:59:00	A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband . The husband calls 111 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt . His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him . "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you . "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly . "No time at all," says her husband . "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through . " *** A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf . You really know your way around the course . What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered . " *** A young man and a priest are playing together . At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father . How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray . " The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green . The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards . The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down . " *** Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man . The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman . "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did . " The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face . "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times . . . . . just put me down for a five . " *** A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees . He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through . Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing . The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him . As he approached the gates of Heaven, St . Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" *** The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side . She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?	johcar (6283)
1157158	2010-11-30 00:50:00	Quota Rules for Call Centers "Hello this is Joe at XZY Support we can answer three questions for you on todays quota. "Is this XZY" "Yes it is" "Have I got through to support" "Yes you have" "And your name is" "Joe" "Thank you for calling us, have a very nice day"	DeSade (984)
1157159	2010-11-30 08:47:00	Thanks, Billy :thanks	WalOne (4202)
1157160	2010-12-01 02:52:00	Tough Times: The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.. Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan .. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.	Gobe1 (6290)
1157161	2010-12-01 03:22:00	And this is appropriate to this forum	Gobe1 (6290)
1157162	2010-12-01 05:51:00	I like the golf ones and the cartoon. And of course it's the guy on the left........	pctek (84)
1 2