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Thread ID: 114438	2010-12-02 23:29:00	Pilot exchanges - Amusing	SolMiester (139)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1158351	2010-12-02 23:29:00	Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one." Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land." Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" From AW (Mar 2010): I met an SR-71 pilot a few years ago. (SR-71 was the USAAF advanced 'stealth' reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird). He told me this story from his first flight with a new co-pilot: An SR-71 and crew were flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airwaves in a dorky voice: Cessna 152: Ground Control, What's my airspeed? Ground Control: 100 at FL 100. A few moments later a cocky voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control, What's MY airspeed? Ground Control: 240 at FL 240. By this time the SR pilot was seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in: SR-71: Ground Control, What's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed checks called in that afternoon, and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat. From Dave (Mar 2010): I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw. From Stewart (Mar 2010): Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "fcuk!" JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fcuk?" First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say fcuk." Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say fcuk." Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say fcuk" reply. Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.." From L Miller (Jan 2010): A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it." A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: " Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end. The late Captain Mickey Munn – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the Red Devils (UK Parachute Regiment display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale. (Thanks L Miller for these three wonderful stories.) From Chris, Jul 2009: This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land. R Dillon sent the following, Mar 2009: A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the marker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don't look back!..." From E Haigh, Mar 2008 - I thought I'd let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (aerobatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming into land... On contact with the runway the friend's plane veered off to the left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on the taxi hold point. The pilot still managed to report: "Runway vacated..." The airfield had a fit of the giggles, and happily although the plane was a very mangled write-off, no serious injury was sustained From Dennis Rainwater, October 2007 - I have a (well, almost) personal ATC/Pilot conversation I thought I'd share with you. I was a weather guy in the USAF during the late 80s-early 90s, and while I was stationed at RAF Woodbridge in England I often hung out with a controller in the tower cab just above our office. This fellow shared a story with me that he claimed happened to him personally. I can't vouch 100% for the authenticity of this tale, but the guy was generally believable... Also, a detail or two might be blurred by my own faulty memory over the past 15-20 years, but here it goes: My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)... Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!" Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...." Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply: "Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom." Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!" Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...." Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR" Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area" USB: "WHOOPEE!" Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69" BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?" The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis." (Ack T Comeau) A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann) A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up." (Ack Mike) United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy? Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it." (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack 'a former ATC') One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?" (Ack 'a former ATC') A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin) Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit. Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre. Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs. Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar. Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed. Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search. Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock. Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious. Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft. Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget. Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right. IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode. Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft. No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle. Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn! Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed. Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away. DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] DME volume set to more believable level. No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.	SolMiester (139)
1158352	2010-12-02 23:54:00	Absolutely brill, made my day	prefect (6291)
1158353	2010-12-03 00:14:00	Awesome post	DeSade (984)
1158354	2010-12-03 00:19:00	And it's not even Monday yet!! Great.	Snorkbox (15764)
1158355	2010-12-03 00:20:00	How about this one, not mine of course (plagiarism), but too good not to share... The last penny. A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins', which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'	SolMiester (139)
1158356	2010-12-03 00:21:00	This one could be a bit risque...... Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my ******* bleached!" "Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"	SolMiester (139)
1158357	2010-12-03 00:22:00	haha.... I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.	SolMiester (139)
1158358	2010-12-03 00:24:00	OOOh no, this one is terrible Murial Suicide bombers to go on Strike!!!, Muslim suicide bombers in Britain, are set to begin a 3day strike on Monday, in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to!!. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to reach an agreement!!. The unrest began last Thursday,when AL Qeada announced that the number of virgins that a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 53!!. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife!!. The Suicide Bombers Union the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM), responded with a statement, that this was unacceptible to its members and immediately balloted for strike action!!. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the Press "Our members are literally working themselves to death, in the cause of Jihad. We dont ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"!!!. Speaking from his shed in Tipton , in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,"we sympathise with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands!", They are simply not accepting the realities of a modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace","Thanks- to Western depravity, There is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife!!, Its a straight choice between reducing expenditure,and laying people off!!", "I dont like cutting wages , but Id hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff they wont be able to blow themselves up!!". Spokespersons for the Union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, Australia and the USA,..stated that it would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their area anyway"!!. Apparently the drop in suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle, Now that Muslims know what an an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise!!!!	SolMiester (139)
1158359	2010-12-03 00:25:00	Abit out there this one... AUSTRALIAN NEWS HEADLINES FROM 2030 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Indisralia , formerly known as Australia .... Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language. Children from 2 parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice. Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Industralia crops and livestock. Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced. Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Industralian Government have told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat. The Former Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success. Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): We'll show Congress who is Too big to fail says CEO. Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. ... No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking especially in the Oval Office ! Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and NewSouth India . Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays and closed for prayer and all islamic Holidays . Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime. Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Carlton Call Centre won this year’s National Footy final beating the Hindu 7 Eleven Hornets 20-11 to 13-18 Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.	SolMiester (139)
1158360	2010-12-03 01:29:00	Work a bit slack today?	gary67 (56)
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