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Thread ID: 114510	2010-12-06 00:46:00	Monday Laughs.....Churches, France at War and other oddities......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1159208	2010-12-06 00:46:00	They're back, those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank heavens for Church ladies with keyboards . These notices either appeared in Church bulletins or were announced in Church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference . Package includes all meals . -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water . ' The sermon to-night: 'Searching for Jesus . ' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale . It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house . Bring your husbands . -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community . Smile at someone who is hard to love . Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you . -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let your Church help . -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation . -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs . -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir . They need all the help they can get . -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church . So ends a friendship that began in their school days . -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall . Music will follow . -------------------------- At the evening service to-night, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice . -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones . -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled . Proceeds will be used to cripple children . -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered . -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility . -------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 p . m . - prayer and medication to follow . -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind . They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon . -------------------------- This evening at 7 . 00 p . m . there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the Church . Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin . -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 . 00 a . m . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B . S . is done . -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday . -------------------------- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 . 00 p . m . Please use the back door . -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 . 00 p . m . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy . -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 . 00 p . m . at the First Presbyterian Church . Please use large double door at the side entrance . -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!' . ******************************** If anybody ever says that you are Ugly, Stupid, Bossy or Mentally slow . . F@*#k 'em . . . . You can't help it . . . ******************************** Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf . Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate . 'Send me lawn away to get cut' . ******************************** A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine . He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles . A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had . The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine . ' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water . If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby . ' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!' ******************************** What are Calories? Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter . My closet is infested with the little shlts! ******************************** A UK-France Defence Co-operation Treaty has recently been announced . It is important that this event be memorialised in an appropriate manner, so, here are some legendary quotes on France:- 'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me . ' General George S . Patton 'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion . ' Norman Schwartzkopf 'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it . ' Marge Simpson 'The only time France wants to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee . ' Regis Philbin 'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag . ' David Letterman 'War without France would be like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . World War II . ' Unknown 'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D . C . right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France . '' Tom Brokaw 'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?' Dennis Miller 'It is important to remember that when it comes to the crunch, the French have always been there when they needed us . ' Alan Kent 'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never fired . Dropped once . '' Rep . Roy Blunt, MO 'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq ' Dennis Miller Q . What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A . Table for 100,000 m'sieur? Q . 'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? A . It's not known, it's never been tried . ' French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney - (AP), Paris , March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney . The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists . Vichy France also fought for and with the Axis Powers (Germany & Italy) against the Allies, but that and their nation's surrender is a national perspective . It should not be forgotten however, that many brave Frenchmen refused to accept their nation's abject capitulation, fighting on on North Africa and via the French underground, or that French units participated in the final expulsion of the German Army from French territory in 1945 . We won't mention Mururoa or the Rainbow Warrior . ******************************** On holidays in India recently, I saw a sign on a cab that exclaimed proudly: "English Speaking Taxi Driver" . I thought, what a great idea, why the f#&*k don’t we have them in New Zealand? Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1159209	2010-12-06 01:35:00	Saw this on the Bygeorge website What Would Jesus Drive? Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?” One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.” Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.” Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.” Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”	Morgenmuffel (187)
1159210	2010-12-06 01:40:00	Ah definitely Monday now... Thanks Billy!	lordnoddy (3645)
1159211	2010-12-08 00:02:00	A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack. But, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the crew boss and told to leave. "Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded. "Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there." Two minutes later he was back at the boss' office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?" "I don't believe it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired. "Sahara Forest," the little guy replied. "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the boss man corrected him. "Sure, that's what they call it now."	wotz (335)
1159212	2010-12-08 01:14:00	Monday laughs yay thanks as usual Billy may your reign be long as the king of Monday	gary67 (56)
1159213	2010-12-08 01:48:00	Good stuff all of yous	Gobe1 (6290)
1159214	2010-12-08 02:08:00	Bahahaha :thumbs:	Chilling_Silence (9)
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