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Thread ID: 114665 2010-12-12 19:06:00 Monday Laughs....Multi-Cultural day: Italian, American, Irish, and Kiwi............. Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1161035 2010-12-12 19:06:00 An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months . Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit . The test result shows that the girl is pregnant .

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call . Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house . A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house .

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem . I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge . I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter and our child for the rest of their lives .

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a US$2,000,000 bank account .

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a US$4,000,000 bank account . If twins, they will receive a factory and US$2,000,000 each .

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .

'You gonna try again . '

********************************


Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home . He proudly sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over . "Nope . "

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots . Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan: "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow . "

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope . Not a clue", she replied .

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"


Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert . Shoulda bought a hat . "

********************************


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers .

(Yeah yeah, we know, eight fingers and two thumbs, but Paddy's Irish, remember?)

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital .

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do' .

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers . '

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?' cried the Doctor, 'Lord Tunderin' Jesus Paddy, it's 2010! We's got micro-surgery and all kinds of incredible techniques . I could have put dem back on and made you like new!'

'Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'


And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up!!!'

********************************


Rangi applied for a fork-lift operator's job at Pak'n'save and a pakeha man also applied for the same job . Since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a written test and the Manager led them to a quiet room where they could answer the questions without interruptions .

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20, but the Manager went to Rangi and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the pakeha fella the job . "

Rangi: "And why would you be doing that, are you a racist? Don't forget we both got 19 questions right!

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the number of correct answers, but on the question you got wrong . "

Rangi said, "well tell me now, how could one wrong answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple . On question number 7 the pakeha guy wrote down, 'I don't know' .

You wrote, 'Neither do I . '


Cheers

Billy 8-{) ;) 		Billy T (70)
1161036 2010-12-12 21:41:00 :clap :clap :clap

TGIMA (thank God it's Monday again) 		WalOne (4202)
1161037 2010-12-12 22:46:00 :thanks:thanks Billy gary67 (56)
1161038 2010-12-12 22:54:00 Haw Haw brilliant, love the first one.... Gobe1 (6290)
1161039 2010-12-15 00:41:00 Factual Tool Usage Description

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it .

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age .

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short .

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads . Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters .

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs .

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle . It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes .

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads . If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand .

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire . Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race .

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity .

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper .

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge .

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect .

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads .

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws .

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part .

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short .

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit .

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use .

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs . It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need . 		Bozo (8540)
1161040 2010-12-15 00:46:00 :lol: Great DH... :punk wratterus (105)
1161041 2010-12-15 00:52:00 Aint that the truth DH
Awesome stuff 		Gobe1 (6290)
1161042 2010-12-15 01:57:00 Like it! :thumbs: Richard (739)
1161043 2010-12-15 02:30:00 UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use .


And:

Pipe Saw: For pruning trees, not pipes .

Utility Knife: For performing blood sugar tests when you can't find the proper gadget .

Cat: As above 		pctek (84)
1161044 2010-12-15 02:44:00 UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door and thighs; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Fixed that for you :) 		Gobe1 (6290)
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