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Thread ID: 114849	2010-12-20 01:18:00	Monday Laughs....Aussies, the Irish, Greenies.......and a Blonde to finish......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1163425	2010-12-20 01:18:00	An Australian, a South African and a New Zealander - all rugby fans - are in Saudi Arabia. They are sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a very serious offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. But! By a stroke of luck, their trial finished the day before Saudi National holiday, which would have delayed their execution, so the benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? "Tie the Australian to my back." ******************************** An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he said, 'Bless me for I have sinned and it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The Priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.' Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the Priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the Priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys. At mass the next morning, as the Priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the Priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes... The Priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, and just enough to them both to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear. The Priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply: 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'. ******************************** A lady walked into a Police Station and the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault." "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me." "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt, and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg." "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer." "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No," she replied. "I knew it because he wasn't in for very long." ******************************** A woman from Hamilton who was a Tree Hugger, a Greens supporter, and anti-hunting, purchased a piece of bush land near Coromandel. There was a large Kauri tree on one of the highest points on the block and she wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a mynah bird that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the groundn breaking branches as she fell and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Thames Hospital to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and anti-hunting and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Conservation, Resource Management Act, County Council, Regional Authority and the local Iwi before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they all turned me down." ******************************** A brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know it you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word Comfortable? The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, the word is big; she'll read it very slowly...........com-for-da-bull." Cheers Billy 8-{) :) There may be some recycling here, I keep a few favourites but can never remember which ones they are! :blush:	Billy T (70)
1163426	2010-12-20 01:23:00	Very good, had me laughing quite loud at work.	nedkelly (9059)
1163427	2010-12-20 02:27:00	Fanny Green indeed! :lol:	Richard (739)
1163428	2010-12-20 02:39:00	:lol::lol:	gary67 (56)
1163429	2010-12-20 03:56:00	No pre-Xmas fading signs yet. :lol: :thumbs: :lol:	R2x1 (4628)
1163430	2010-12-20 10:59:00	Thanks billy, a jolly good laugh at the end of a long hard day.	ubergeek85 (131)
1163431	2010-12-20 23:58:00	hahaha Fanny green that was pure gold thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
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