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Thread ID: 114975	2010-12-27 01:47:00	Monday Laughs....Christmas Special.. Would I forget???......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1165061	2010-12-27 01:47:00	Something for Everyone Today IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN . Who's jolly and cute, Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, And if he is chuckling and laughing away, While flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it . . . You know, your eggnog's too strong!!!!!!!! Merry Christmas and a Happy 2011 ******************************** Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so keen to commit suicide . . Let's see now . . . . . . . . . . . . No Jesus . No Christmas . No television . No baseball . No football . No cheerleaders . No hockey . No golf . No pork BBQ . No hot dogs . No burgers . No Beer . No chocolate chip cookies . No lobster . No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks . Rags for clothes and towels for hats . Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors . Constant wailing from the guy in the tower . More than one wife . You can't shave . Your wives can't shave . You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung . The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times . Your bride is picked by someone else . She smells just like your donkey but your donkey has a better disposition . Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here? ******************************** A guy goes for a interview in the publishing dept . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine . " "Have you ever worked in publishing before?" "No" Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, due to a bike accident I lost both of my testicles . " The interviewer grimaces and then says, "OK, you've got job- Our normal hours are from 8 . 00am to 5 . 00pm but you can start tomorrow at 10 . 00am and carry on starting at 10 . 00am every day . " The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 . 00am to 5 . 00pm, why don't you want me here until 10 . 00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know . " "What you have to understand is that this is a publishing job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls . There's no point in you coming in for that . " ******************************** TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1 . My husband and I divorced over religious differences . He thought he was God and I didn't . 2 . I don't suffer from insanity: I enjoy every minute of it . 3 . Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them . 4 . I used to have a handle on life, but it broke . 5 . Don't take life too seriously: nobody gets out alive . 6 . You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me . 7 . Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . 8 . Earth is the insane asylum for the universe . 9 . I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are just missing . 10 . Out of my mind . Back in five minutes . 11 . NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning, medicine . 12 . God must love stupid people; He made so many . 13 . The gene pool could use a little chlorine . 14 . Consciousness: that annoying time between naps . 15 . Ever stop to think . . . . . and then forget to start again? 1 . Being 'over the hill' is just so much better than being under it! 17 . Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up! 18 . Procrastinate Now! 19 . I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20 . A hangover is the wrath of grapes . 21 . A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance . 22 . Stupidity is not a handicap . Park elsewhere! 23 . They called it PMS . . . because Mad Cow Disease was already taken . 24 . He who dies with the greatest material wealth is nonetheless DEAD . 25 . A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory . 26 . Ham and eggs . . . a day's work for a chicken: a lifetime commitment for a pig . 27 . The trouble with life is there's no background music . 28 . The original point and click interface was . . . a Smith & Wesson . 38! 29 . I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on . Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few . ******************************** Scientific Phrases - What They Say and What They Mean "It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference . "A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless . "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published . "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense . "Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph . 2 The best results are shown . "These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded . "In my experience" - Once . "In case after case" - Twice . "In a series of cases" - Thrice . "It is believed that" - I think . "It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too . "Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong . "According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it . "A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess . "A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea . "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it . 2 I need more grant money . 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this . "After additional study by my colleagues" - They dont understand it either . "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr . Blotz did the work and Ms . Adams explained to me what it meant . "A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee . "Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor . "Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out . "This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation . "Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall . "It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that "No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page . "This research has left many questions unanswered . " - I didnt find anything of significance . "This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it . "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit . ******************************** And Finally . . . . . . . . The 2010 Darwin Awards And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees . "The Darwins" are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool . Here is the official 2010 list . Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us . . . . . from of all places, Arkansas . How surprising is that? This years nominees are: Nominee No . 1: ( San Jose Mercury News): An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut . Nominee No . 2: ( Kalamazoo Gazette): James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck . " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise . However, Burns' clothes caught on something and the other man found him "wrapped around the drive shaft . " Nominee No . 3: ( Hickory Daily Record): Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear . Nominee No . 4: (UPI , Toronto ): Police said a Lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death . A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students . Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports . Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (Ed note:????) members of the 200-man association . Nominee No . 5: (The News of the Weird): Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously . He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison . While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted . Nominee No . 6 A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN . A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said . Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM . Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly . He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited . Nominee No . 7: (Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario): A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death . Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police . "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony, " Honer said . Finally, THE WINNER!!!: (Arkansas Democrat Gazette): Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday . Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday . Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip . On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned . The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out . A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol would fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column . Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles . The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree . Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended . Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released . "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston blew his nuts off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis . "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me . I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened, " said Snyder . Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck . Priorities, after all!! Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool . Hope you all had a merry christmas, and wishing you all the best for you and yours for 2011 Cheers Billy *<8-{0=	Billy T (70)
1165062	2010-12-27 04:00:00	Billy, yet again you have outdone yourself! Thank you, you always brighten up the day!	ubergeek85 (131)
1165063	2010-12-27 05:47:00	(Arkansas Democrat Gazette): The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol would fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. That was a myth on Mythbusters.	pctek (84)
1165064	2010-12-27 07:14:00	That was a myth on Mythbusters. Probably, but it makes a good joke regardless! Cheers Billy *<8-{)=	Billy T (70)
1165065	2010-12-27 07:38:00	Probably, but it makes a good joke regardless! Cheers Billy *<8-{)= That depends on where you're sitting ;-)	R2x1 (4628)
1165066	2010-12-27 09:05:00	That was a myth on Mythbusters. Aha! So i'm not the only one who saw that	The Error Guy (14052)
1165067	2010-12-27 20:33:00	Probably, but it makes a good joke regardless! Cheers Billy *<8-{)= Without question :thumbs: And a great way (joking) to end the Year, Billy. We're all looking forward to 2011 to see what you come up with. :D	WalOne (4202)
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