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Thread ID: 148141	2019-08-13 03:58:00	(Between) Mondays jokes...	R2x1 (4628)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1463051	2019-10-04 23:18:00	Love that one :) Ken	kenj (9738)
1463052	2019-10-07 11:22:00	it's Tuesday? (Must be "yet" because we're there now.) Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Why do psychics read business cards? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Everything in moderation. Especially moderation. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. -- Steven Wright I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. -- Steven Wright If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? -- Steven Wright When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. -- Steven Wright Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. -- Steven Wright Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" -- Steven Wright I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. -- Steven Wright	R2x1 (4628)
1463053	2019-10-13 22:31:00	While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'In 1971. Why?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you teach?'	Roscoe (6288)
1463054	2019-10-14 05:36:00	Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard . As they were cruising along they came to an intersection . The stoplight was red but they just went on through . The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light . " After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though . This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it . She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through . She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?" Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress . How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk . "That's fine," replied the girl . "I'll take ten yards . " With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly . The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her . "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled . Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH . He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over . Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts . The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers . " "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly . . . Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly . The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit . A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error . "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern . "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer . We just got off Route 119 . " Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents . At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs . "I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE . . . I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO . . . I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR . . . " His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf . " To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"	piroska (17583)
1463055	2019-10-14 22:01:00	My calendar production friend has been absent for awhile!. A male student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?" The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.” “Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other.” “Who are you going to turn your back on?	Lurking (218)
1463056	2019-10-28 22:20:00	An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."' Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house." Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.	Lurking (218)
1463057	2019-10-28 23:03:00	Love the house one	piroska (17583)
1463058	2019-10-31 05:02:00	Why do Jehovah's Witneses hate Halloween? They hate strangers knocking on their doors! Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1463059	2019-10-31 06:02:00	Why do Jehovah's Witneses hate Halloween? They hate strangers knocking on their doors! Ken :) I've had to listen to my mum go on, shock horror, these "brats" that come, and OMG with the mothers!! As if they would come without a parent. Then she started on about kids a while ago who would come and sell chocolate that they had "stolen". She is talking about those school fund raising chocolate things. I'm sure we've been noted as the neighbourhood "witch house".	piroska (17583)
1463060	2019-10-31 08:41:00	I've had to listen to my mum go on, shock horror, these "brats" that come, and OMG with the mothers!! As if they would come without a parent. Then she started on about kids a while ago who would come and sell chocolate that they had "stolen". She is talking about those school fund raising chocolate things. I'm sure we've been noted as the neighbourhood "witch house". We don't believe in Halloween. We put a notice outside our front door: "Detour. No trick or treaters please." It works well. We have no kids banging on our door looking for sweets. I don't see why we should support a stupid American tradition.:annoyed:	Roscoe (6288)
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